The Loop

Stove Top's stretchy Thanksgiving pants are proof the apocalypse is near

November 16, 2017

Unfastening your belt after Thanksgiving is one of the holiday's most sacred traditions, right up there with backyard football and listening to your racist uncle discuss what's really wrong with America. And with good reason (the unfastening, not your racist uncle's rants): the average person consumes over 4,500 calories at the meal. Letting that strap of leather fly is the mark of one who's done his work at the table.

And it's a triumph under attack from the reprobates at Stove Top.

The Kraft stuffing maker is selling maroon, unisex pants this season that feature an elastic waistband, allowing the wearer to enjoy the festivities "in comfort and style."

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Granted, that's a loose interpretation of "style," unless they meant in the "style" of 1970's Motel 6 wallpaper. The pants also feature compartments that can store leftovers. Because nothing says "Bring it on, diabetes!" then two turkey legs slathered in cranberry sauce sticking out of your pockets.

I'm sure there's a group that looks at these trousers as a fashion breakthrough. The same type of people who say, "Guess I'll see you next year!" before your Christmas/New Year's vacation. Thanksgiving is a time of gathering, but feel free to give the cold shoulder to anyone showing up in these godforsaken sweatpants.