I thought this would be easy, but I'm torn. Very, very torn. I'm more torn than Natalie Imbruglia in 1997. I'm more torn than Elmore Rudolph Torn, Jr., who goes by the stage name "Rip." I'm more torn than...(checking Wikipedia for more "torn" references)...a 2013 Nigerian psychological thriller starring Ireti Doyle and Monalisa Chinda. You get me: I'm in torn-ado alley, Day vs. Spieth is a category-5 twister, and all I can hear are ominous wind chimes from the front porch of my trailer home.
I can no longer hide in the basement of my own indecisiveness. This is the hardest question in golf, and the only way to answer is to stage a debate...with myself.
The opening statement goes to Special Golf Digest Correspondent S.P. Ryan.
S.P. Ryan
Good evening. I'd like to begin by painting a portrait of my opponent as a dangerous, unstable communist, with medically diagnosed hygiene issues that have cost him dozens of relationships and at least one car.
That being said, this debate is easy -- 21-year-old Jordan Spieth won the Masters and U.S. Open, and became only the third player in history to finish fourth or better in all four majors. As my esteemed colleague Kyle Porter pointed out, Spieth, now 22, had the second-best major season in golf history. In the year's biggest tournaments, there was simply no one better than the 21 year old, who later became 22. We will remember 2015 for those victories, and for his unstoppable march to the no. 1 world ranking as a 21-slash-22-year-old.
I hope you'll notice that just like Hillary Clinton in the 2015 primaries, I have not mentioned a single other candidate—either an irascible, wild-haired Senator from Vermont, or an injury-prone Aussie who didn't win his first major until the decrepit age of 27. They just don't matter. Did I mention Jordan Spieth was 21 years old, and is now 22?
I cede the floor to my opponent, the so-called "author" Shane P.R., with a question: Why won't you admit that Jordan Spieth is young?
Shane P.R.
First and foremost, I would like to speak the name Ronald Reagan out loud three times. Ronald Reagan. Ronald Reagan. Ronald Reagan. Thank you.
Second, detractors can keep the words "Jason Day" out of their mouths as long as they want, but the fact remains that Day is exhibiting the kind of dominance right now that exceeds even Spieth's greatest moments. Day also has a major title, and hold on just a moment as I look up the name of the player he beat...here we go, it was...yes, it was Jordan Spieth!
In addition to the PGA, Day won the Farmers Insurance Open and the RBC Canadian Open, and now he's making an absolute mockery of the FedEx Cup playoffs. He will undoubtedly win this weekend's Tour Championship, trumping Spieth in money, FedEx Cup points, and wins. And I couldn't help but notice that my opponent mentioned the world rankings. Has he stopped by the OWGR lately? Check your facts, sir -- Jason Day is the best golfer in the world.
In conclusion, Ronald Reagan.
S.P. Ryan
Is there a reason my opponent isn't wearing an Augusta National pin on his lapel? Does he not love golf? Personally, I'm happy to wear my pin, and to shout my love of this great game to the entire world. And by "entire world," I mean America.
Since we're discussing minor victories, I'd like to point out that Spieth also prevailed at the Valspar and the John Deere Classic this season. He's missed exactly four cuts, and notched 14 top-ten finishes.
Shane P.R.
Day has cracked the top 10 an even 10 times, in fewer tournaments. He's only missed two cuts, and he has more overall wins than Spieth. And I would urge all Americans to ask themselves a very simple question when they sit down at their kitchen tables tonight: Is Jordan Spieth's game better off today than it was two months ago? Is Jason Day's?
S.P. Ryan
I'd like to tell the story of a seven-year-old child who approached me at the Barclays this year. He cried a single tear, and he told me he was worried for his family. The boy's name was Little Bobby Heartland-Values, and he said, "Mr. Ryan, what does it mean if a foreigner wins Player of the Year? Does that mean America dies?" And I'm ashamed to say I couldn't answer him, my friends. But I'd urge you to contemplate Bobby's words. Does America die?
Shane P.R.
That's just more of the same old anti-immigrant rhetoric spewed by pro-Spieth zealots. America didn't die last year when Rory McIlroy won.
S.P. Ryan
Didn't it?
Shane P.R.
You have to stop doing that.
S.P. Ryan
Do I?
Shane P.R.
Look, let's not get distracted. Jason Day is the best golfer in the world, he has more tournament victories than Spieth, he won a major, and he's about to win the PGA Tour's top prize. Period.
S.P. Ryan
When a player wins the Masters and the U.S. Open in the same year -- and joins the likes of Tiger and Hogan to become just the sixth player to do so -- the only way he doesn't win Player of the Year is if somebody else wins the British and PGA. Nobody else did that. Spieth is your man. End of discussion.
Shane P.R.
I made a vow not to go dirty in this campaign, but I think the American people deserve an answer: How do you respond to accusations made by respectable outlets that your player choked at the world's most famous course?
S.P. Ryan
SCURRILOUS LIBEL! How do you respond to my claim, that I'm making up right now, that your player faked vertigo to generate sympathy?
Shane P.R.
HOW DARE YOU! How do you respond to PGA Tour sources who say with absolute certainty that Spieth is a dumpster diving vegan who keeps a portrait of Martha Burk in his bedroom?
S.P. Ryan
HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO THE GHOST OF RONALD REAGAN, WHO SAID THAT—
It devolved from there—the rest is unprintable, and totally unhelpful. I'm full of self-loathing, and I think our political system is broken.
Bob Harig pointed out that every two-time major winner has also won Player of the Year, but so has every five-time winner. Something's gotta give, and I don't just mean our collective sanity. Will the American voters pick Spieth? Will Day get the benefit of the doubt for owning the PGA Tour all year? Is Tiger done? There's so much left to be decided, and I get the feeling it won't feel decided even after it's decided. Which is why I feel decidedly undecided. Thank you, and may God bless this great sport of golf.