Good news and bad news this week for Miami and fans of ghoulishly oversized Dad-From-Stranger Things eyewear. The good news: Local hero Pitbull is planning a massive 2019 tour. The bad news: Mr. Global Warming Worldwide How Much Wood Would a Woodchuck Chuck Biggity Boy Diggity Dog will have a co-headliner. The confounding news: The co-headliner is Tony Robbins, and the two will be … motivational … speaking? Together? Motivationally? Helping us learn the subtle art of not giving a f**k, and awakening the giant within? Ugh, look this shit was not OK when Andrew WK did it, and we liked one of his records. Happily, we at The Loop, having committed ourselves to the intersection of golf and pop-rap self-help, have obtained a transcript from Pitbull’s performance, which we present to you here in its iggity entirety:
WHAT’S UP LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AND DALE (wait for applause)!
Thank you, thank you. I am your host, Pitbull (wait for applause), and I am thrilled to include (name of city) on my 2019 tour (wait for applause)! Are you ready to DO THIS THING? (applause) Are you ready to BLOW THE ROOF OFF THIS BITCH? (applause) Are you ready to REALIZE THE SURPRISING SIMPLY 9-STEP METHOD TO ACHIEVING YOUR DREAMS, UNLEASHING THE WARRIOR WITHIN AND BECOME THE PRODUCTIVE BADASS YOU ALWAYS DREAMED OF BEING? (wait for applause / confused murmuring)
That’s right — you can go ahead and sit down, this might take a while — I’m here to ROCK YOUR BODY and SHAKE THAT BOOTY by delivering 90 solid minutes about the power of passion and perseverance. I’m here with my good friend, mentor and inspiration Tony Robbins (wait for applause as Tony enters, then reclaim spotlight). Together, we are going to CHANGE THE GAME, and by that I don’t mean metaphorically change the game, I mean I’m literally going to do something massively different from the reason you all know me. Because now, in 2019, this biggity boy’s a miggity motivational spiggity speaker helping YOU awiggity awaken the giggity giant within. (make sure you did that right)
Tony here, he’s changed my life. He’s inspired me for years, despite me never mentioning it before. He was on hand when I received my star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, which I remind you they gave me. And through Tony’s 750 confoundingly large books, I’ve discovered that my purpose here on the globe which I have personally warmed is not to bang heads! Not to regularly sleep with Romanian sisters! Not to light roofs on fire, but to help you become the Mister or Missus Worldwide of your own world. (wait for raucous applause, adjust enormous glasses)
That’s right I’m here to make you happy with your body, despite for 10 years supplying you with an unending stream of sweatily lusciously hot female dancers with -3% body fat and fourteen square inches of jean shorts, all lingering four to five inches away from the camera.
I’m here to improve your self-perception. What do you see when you look at yourself? Do you see yourself as others see you? Does the picture in your Kodak look like the picture in their Kodak? Which Kodak is correct, Kodak? The Kodaks should be the same Kodak because Kodaks preach truth and honestly and your Kodak should vibe with their Kodak.
I’m here to show that YOU make the final call in your life’s decisions, no matter what culture dictates, no matter how often you’re subjected to endless streams of lyrics like, “I have ‘em like Miley Cyrus, clothes off” and “She say she won’t, but I bet she will” in popular music I’m sorry what oh I am being told that song is mine, I am unaware that my music contained instances of questionable approaches to consent. Wait, I did a song with Chris Brown? Yeesh.
And I’m here to illustrate mydevelopment as an artist, both by pivoting into perennially lucrative self-help spaces AND by pushing the boundaries of the size of glasses that can be appropriately worn on a human head.
So IT’S GOING DOWN (applause)! I’m yelling, “FRANKLY YOU’RE ALL AGING,” and it’s weird that my jams are all up in your Hondas, and I know you have to turn that s**t down when you roll into hockey practice, so frankly this tour made a lot of sense. Look, it’s weird when rappers get older — Snoop Dogg is hosting game shows, Lil Jon I think made my smoothie this morning and Dre just swims in his dollar-sign shaped pools. No one’s offered me a Vegas residency yet, so yeah, this is it now. I am stopping the party. But we can still DO THIS, if by “do this” I mean “pivot to a branded capital-infused business venture.” So FACE DOWN, BOOTY UP and let’s achieve our potential TOGETHER by paying me. You say you won’t, but I bet you will.