AUGUSTA, GA. -- Welcome to Augusta National, where Jordan Spieth is playing on another planet and where the birds really do tweet incredibly aggressively. A complete Masters experience involves eavesdropping on spectator chatter. Below, some of the odd exchanges we overheard in the gallery during the first round.
"Spieth has already locked it up. He's gonna win this thing and he won't even be able to drink at the Champions Dinner." (That's actually wrong. Spieth turned 21 last July. But why let the facts get in the way of a decent one-liner?)
Patron, after Tiger sprayed it right off the first tee: "Tiger is over in the trees. Woods is in the woods." Guy next to him: "Clever."
Bored patron: "I play my best rounds when I'm pissed off. These guys need to get PISSED more often."
A guy in the crowd, when Tiger fist-pumped after hitting the green from the trees on no. 7: "I needed that in my LIFE! He's BACK!"
Patron, after a guy in a green jacket walked by: "That means he's a member. Shhhhh...behave."
Guy, after a ball settles 20 yards past everyone else's on the 17th fairway: "That must be Dustin." (It was.)
Patron, after Dustin laid up into a greenside bunker on the 17th hole: "Normal people play away from bunkers. Awayyyyyy from the bunkers."
Guy, about Morgan Hoffmann's outfit: "He's got bugs on his pants." (Here's a look at his pants, if you haven't seen them.)
Patron: "I just tried one of those pimentos." Patron's friend: "Was it good?" Patron: "No, I spit it out."
Guy sitting behind the 6th green, after watching Sergio Garcia's ball land in the middle of the green and roll all the way down and off: "That mound is the devil."
Woman, to man sitting next to him: "Were you consciously flirting with Sarah last night?" Man: "I do not recall." (In related news, "I do not recall" is my new go-to when I don't feel like answering a question.)
Guy, as Victor Dubuisson walked off the 6th green: "Duub-weee-ssoonnnnn, Duuub-weee-soonnnnnn, Duuub-weee-soooonnnnn." Woman standing next to him: "Stop it."
When leaderboard on the 6th green got updated to show that Woods was +1 through 5 holes, patron said, "Damn it," while handing some cash to the guy sitting next to him. (Turns out, he handed him $20 because they bet on whether Tiger would be over or under par through 5 holes.)
Woman, after a girl introduced herself as Beyonce: "How many times do you get, All my single ladies?'" Beyonce: "It's excruciating."
Guy, to a nearby patron: "If you swing your hips 1 MPH faster through impact, you add 15 yards to your shot."
Patron, to two other guys: "Where you guys from?" One of those two other guys: "Boston. It's snowing and sleeting there." Patron: "Can I give you a tip? Get the f*ck outta there. And don't tell your wife."