AUGUSTA, GA. -- Welcome to Augusta National, where Jordan Spieth tied the Masters' scoring record and where Tiger Woods is popping bones back into place. A complete Masters experience involves eavesdropping on spectator chatter. Below, some of the odd exchanges we overheard in the gallery during the first round.*
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Guy, as he takes a swig of his $4 beer and stares at the 13th green: "This place is dope. Just...rad."
Guy, to friend: "You're wearing cycling socks with beach sandals at a golf tournament. Why did I even bring you?"
Patron, as he watched Tiger walk down the first fairway: "Look at that strut. Just like the video game."
Patron, while watching Tiger pull driver from the fairway on the eighth hole (third round): "I love this sht. This is the kinda sht that fuels my life."
"Those pimento cheese things are sketchy."
Patron, as he glanced down the 18th fairway: "I feel like I'm short-changing my eyes by wearing sunglasses."
Patron rubs grass, then looks at the guy standing next to him: "I just wanted to feel it. Quickly."
Guy, to friend: "My wife won't let me join another club." (Rich-people problems! They're the best!)
Guy, while watching Dustin Johnson play the 17th hole (third round): "He made a double bogey on the first hole and he's still 8 under. If you take that double out he's 10-under." Guy's friend: "That kind of cheating you get away with in our Sunday matches doesn't fly here at Augusta."
"I ain't never seen no woman smoke a cigar before. That right there is hotter than Jordan's game."
Patron, to friend as Tiger teed up his ball: "Do you think he'd cover your medical bills if his drive hit you and shattered your face?" Friend: "No, but he'd sign a glove for me."
Guy, to friend: "So, wait…you bought a ticket to the Masters, but you're rummaging through garbage to collect plastic cups?" Friend: "I'm giving up my dignity for a cool memento. It's a trade-off. It's a sacrifice."
Patron, to friend as he walked up the 18th fairway on Sunday: "Soak it all in, Billy. Life doesn't get much better than this."
Guy, to friend, about Russell Henley's neon-green Sunday shirt: "Wow, that polo is bright." Friend: "It's got a battery pack in the back of it."
Patron, about the first green: "Look at that false front…such a brilliant design." Patron's friend: "False fronts are…pretty common."
"We're watching a 21-year-old make history. We'll remember this 20, 30 years."