For nearly two centuries, Easter has reigned as humanity’s freakiest holiday, one that commemorates both a man’s actual honest-to-Him resurrection AND — and I feel like this part never gets enough attention — his ability to roll enormous boulders away from cave mouths. I mean, ascension is great, but moving house-sized stones around? Come on! Sure, it’s not “coming back from the dead,” but it’s still a power that would garner some pretty serious Likes if anyone else did it.
Yet though resurrection is “meaningful” and “revelatory” and “the basis for a religion practiced by literal billions,” it proved not quite enough to hang on a holiday on, so we did the only logical thing: Invent a berserk B story involving a mystical rabbit that breaks into children’s houses and leaves food-esque candies that bear the consistency and flavor of wrestling-mat stuffing. We then involved a subplot about eggs—which are not produced by bunnies, even in creationist textbooks — and called it a day. Actually we didn’t even call it a day, because no one ever knows when Easter even HAPPENS. (If you can legitimately tell me when Easter takes place this year without looking, I will send you a Peep.)
Yet this is AMERICA, where no tale is so weird and twisted that it can’t be made weirder and twisted-er. Which brings us directly to The Selfie Bunny, something that automagically integrates two of the worst things about the world and makes them something you’re supposed to eat. Say hi to America’s latest enemy:
As you can see, the Selfie Bunny is a precious blue-eyed demogorgon who is wearing a umpire’s pink chest protector and snapping a snappy snap that says, “You thought you had issues before, The Pope?” It’s a festive holiday snackable that is sweet and vaguely blasphemous and easily the most 2018 way to celebrate Easter, unless they make a chocolate porn star who sues the actual president, which is actually not a bad idea, patent pending, you vultures. And it’s available at — well, I’m not really sure where it’s available, but I’m guessing Dollar Tree is a solid bet.
It is important to remember that, while horrible, the Selfie Bunny is also an object you are supposed to consume with your mouth, which brings up several very serious gastronomic questions, such as: What do you eat first? Can you eat the camera? Should you start with the camera? Should you start with the head, like we all do with chocolate bunnies, because we’re all monsters? Can a Selfie Bunny still take a selfie when it doesn’t have a head? At least the Selfie Bunny is not holding a snackable selfie stick, like a Pixy Stix it’s holding out that you can tear open and eat, and you know what this is actually not that bad of an idea, patent pending, you vultures.
Now, AGAIN, and fully acknowledging how this dead-eyed goodie is clearly trying to end Easter forever, it’s a little unfair to single out the Selfie Bunny in a holiday that has already blessed us with chocolate carrots, chocolate eggs filled with tasty slime, chocolate rabbits that we’ve all decided to eat face-first and those little “robin eggs” that taste like decorative fish-tank pebbles. There are also chocolate crosses. Sacrilicious.
Yet this falls under the category of One Hop Too Far. The Selfie Bunny is a ruinous punch in the faith that deserves every bit of mockery that comes its way. But is it that much weirder than celebrating your risen Lord by shoving the entirety of a Cadbury Crème Egg in your face? Maybe? Probably? Or not? I am not deputized to speak on such matters. But I do know this: The Selfie Bunny will not be consumed in my home, face-first or otherwise. We will only be eating regular bunnies, thank you very much.