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The Loop

Mark Wahlberg's ridiculous daily schedule probably involves time travel

September 12, 2018

Mark Walhberg is not like you or me, mostly because neither of us owns a hamburger chain with a clever pun title (unless your name is Wendy). He’s also 2017’s highest-paid actor, mostly thanks to his industry-revitalizing work in films like “Mel Gibson’s Home 2” and “Transformers 19.” Sure, the star of “Deepwater Horizon” — yes, the “Deepwater Horizon” — naturally enjoys access to a lot of things we don’t, like fancy trainers, cutting-edge equipment and all the burgers he could theoretically eat. But there’s still something dispiritingly about the workout routine that he recently shared in an Instagram post in one of the apparently rare moments he’s not waking in the dark, lifting metal objects or … snarfing down multiple turkey burgers in one sitting? Whatever man, the abs justify the means.

You can read Wahlberg’s entire nightmare scenario here, after which you can go through the stages of mourning: feeling bad about the yawning gap that used to contain your workout routines, then feel better that you maintain an appropriate balance between work and life, then feel bad that you don’t make $28 million to act scared in front of talking robot dinosaurs, then feel better that you missed whichever movie that was anyway, then tire of this entire exercise and plan a round of golf, which you’re playing FAR TOO SLOWLY, but more on that later.

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But before you do, please help us answer a few of these very important questions that came up for us after reading this lunacy:

But FINE, let’s allow that Wahlberg goes to fancy-person golf courses at which he can tee off at precisely 7:30, encounter no traffic, employ a super-powered diesel cart with a max speed of 80 mph and not have to deal with other jerks. Is that fun? Is that relaxing? Maybe it makes you forget about the Transformers with Ultron in it.