Monday Superlatives

Kyrie Irving's awful judgment, Jordan Spieth's low blow, and cornhole journalism at its best

July 24, 2017

Kyrie, look me in the eyes: ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS?

I'm sorry to shout, and I'm sorry to doubt you. It's just that I read this story online, and it says that you asked to be traded away from the Cleveland Cavaliers. Which, to me, seemed crazy, because the Cleveland Cavaliers have a player named LeBron James, and LeBron James is the best player in the world. You are not the best player in the world, but you are definitely one of the most amazing players in the world, and the combination of you and LeBron James is an insanely good one that has already produced an NBA championship.

But then I thought, wait—the Cleveland Cavaliers are not the best team in the NBA. Maybe Kyrie, brilliant dude that he is, is going to the one team in the league that's currently better: the Golden State Warriors.

But no, that's impossible—they've already gone above and beyond the salary cap paying for superstars, and the luxury tax alone will prevent them from adding you. Next, I wondered if perhaps you and LeBron were going somewhere else together, in a fun buddy comedy road trip scenario. Maybe you'd be bringing a championship to some other cursed sports town like Minnesota, or Atlanta, or Buffalo (yes, I know Buffalo doesn't have an NBA team, but a man can dream). That would be awesome!

Then I kept reading. I read this:

Irving has said that he wants to play in a situation where he can be more of a focal point and that he no longer wants to play alongside LeBron James, sources said.

That's when I started to freak out, Kyrie. That's when I started to shout things like, GOD, WHY?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Maybe you don't care about championships, but if you do, believe me, this is a good way to never win another championship in your life. Remember when Kobe forced Shaq out of L.A., for similar reasons? This is worse, because even though Kobe sacrificed a bunch of titles, probably, he still won another by himself because he's one of the all-time NBA greats. As terrific as you are, Kyrie, you may never reach that level. And you may never win another title.

You said you didn't want to be Robin to LeBron's Batman, but Kyrie? Robin is a pretty sweet gig. Ask Chris Paul if he'd trade places. Ask...well, ask any point guard, because point guards don't win NBA titles as the "focal point" of a team. You won't either. Oh, and one more thing:

Irving said he'd also be willing to join the New York Knicks, Miami Heat and Minnesota Timberwolves, league sources said.

DO NOT JOIN THE NEW YORK KNICKS! RED ALERT, KYRIE! DO NOT JOIN THE G$%&#$ NEW YORK KNICKS!

(John McEnroe voice)

YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!

Okay—everyone take a breath. Let's move on to the other superlatives.

The Knicksiest Knicks Story of the Week: New York Knicks

Sorry, I can't get away from the NBA yet. If Kyrie is still reading, and isn't schooled on the complete, historical incompetence which dogs this organization from the top down, he may want to read this story, headlined:

Knicks GM Scott Perry, week after hire, still stranger to James Dolan

There are countless—nay, endless—examples of mismanagement within the Knicks system, and almost all of them come courtesy of team owner James Dolan. But this one? Well, this one actually seems like it might be good. You want Dolan as far away from the team as possible, so in that sense it's wonderful that he hasn't met Perry, at least for Knicks fans. Still, it's at least a little incredible that the owner never bothered to meet his GM hire—it's a level of detachment and disinterest that has to be unique in American sports. And it's just more evidence, ultimately, of what makes the Knicks the Knicks.

(Note: In case this seems like gloating, I am a Knicks fan, and am sobbing as I write.)

The "Don't Do the Home Run Derby" Poster Boy of the Week: Aaron Judge, Yankees

Hey, remember the Home Run Derby? Remember all those sweet dingers Judge hit, elevating him into a figure of national interest after an insanely great first half of the season? Here are his stats, as of Sunday, in the ten games since: 6-35, .171 batting average, .318 OBP, 14 strikeouts. In the first eight games, he hit a grand total of zero home runs.

For those who aren't aware, this is not new: The post-derby slump is a real thing, and has been known to screw up the swings of some of the game's best hitters. I know it's fun for the fans, and etc. etc., but if I were a manager or GM, I'd be really, really loathe to let any of my players participate.

That said, there's hope this is just going to be a temporary funk for Judge, because he's hit two home runs in the last two days to end his dry spell. And one of them...well...my God:

The Potentially Abusive Athletic Relationship of the Week: Jordan Spieth and Michael Greller

Spieth is incredible, and so is Greller, but are we ignoring some very pressing warning signs here?

Exhibit A, when he yells at Greller to "GO GET IT!" after sinking a huge eagle putt:

Exhibit B...the slo-mo sack tap:

That's verbal and physical abuse, documented, all in a span of two hours! I'm kidding, of course—Jordan Spieth is a weird guy to begin with, and he and Greller have a great relationship, obviously full of idiosyncrasies that the outside observer cant' begin to understand. But let's keep our eyes on this anyway...

The Sideline Reporter Question of the Week: Cornhole Journalist

This is what happens when you ask a man who plays cornhole if he had any "strategy" before an important round:

"Just put the bag in the hole, man." Words to live by.

May you have an excellent week, and may you put the bag of your dreams into the hole of your destiny.


WATCH MORE VIDEOS FROM THE LOOP

MORE FROM THE LOOP