Internet Invitational superlatives, Ep. 5: The drunkest man alive, Portnoy vs. Whit and The Duke's demise
At two hours and 11 minutes, the fifth episode of the Internet Invitational was the shortest installment so far. But what it lacked in length it made up for in drama, highlight-reel shots and shots of tequila. Lots and lots of shots of tequila.
In fact, as I typed that out, Salim "The Dream" just asked the cart girl for another shot.
Let's recap Ep. 5, superlatives style.
The Drunkest Man Alive
At the end of Episode 4, Grant Horvat launches a tee shot to begin the four-man playoff to determine which three teams would be advancing to the final day. Ep. 5 begins with the finishing result of that drive, and the ensuing drives from the other "A" players, Micah Morris, Ryan Ruffels and Big John. Morris' drive was the longest of all, so he went last, and he had only a wedge into the par 5. As he's getting ready to hit, up rolls one of his teammates, Salim "The Dream," who had been consuming copious amounts of alcohol throughout the day, including during a crucial match against Kyle Forgeard, which he won. That led to my co-worker Alex Myers making a salient point - this dude might be the greatest drunk golfer of all time.
Fortunately, though, Salim didn't have to hit any more shots on this evening. This man was B U C K L E D:
Ultimately, Salim's team would advance, and he picked up right where he left off the following day. The guy asks for a tequila shot on every hole, and he's drinking beers on top of it. He even took one out of Big John's hand, causing some internal team friction, only for Ryan Whitney to coach Big John up on keeping Salim's vibes high. It worked, as they advanced to the final two, but I can't help but wonder why Whitney and Big John are not tryin to keep this guy in check a little more. In the final episode, the Red team of Salim, Whitney and Big John are going back out for 18 holes of alternate shot, match play in the afternoon. Salim already seems blackout drunk, and he's showing no signs of stopping. Upon watching this footage, Salim revealed that he's actually on Day 87 of a 90-day sober challenge. So, even before this aired, he knew he needed a lifestyle change. We obviously don't mean to make fun if he has a serious problem, but it's an impossible element to ignore in these episodes. And yet, the more he drinks, the better he swings. And he's rode the wave all the way to the final. It's breathtaking to watch.
Best Dynamic
After Frankie Borrelli was eliminated early, I couldn't shake the feeling that the event had lost its best dynamic -- Portnoy living rent-free in Frankie's head. Well, that dynamic has been replaced with the Portnoy vs. Ryan Whitney dynamic, which somehow might be better. These two go way, way back. In fact, there are multiple compliations on YouTube of the two going at it over the years over the most trivial things, among them whether or not Portnoy had a communal roof deck at his Boston apartment building and whether or not Portnoy had matching chicken necklaces with an ex-girlfriend. It's some of the funniest arguing you'll ever see, and a constant reminder that Whitney is one of the few people, if not the only person, at Barstool that can actually go toe-to-toe with Portnoy. They went at it for the entirety of Ep. 5, and RedShirtGate was probably some of my favorite Portnoy-Whit stuff ever:
So good. Thankfully, with Whit advancing, we get these two facing off again for another full episode. I'm expecting fisticuffs.
Most "The Lights Got Too Bright" Moment
As an eternal 6-7 handicap who has succumbed to pressure over a $20 match, I hesitate to be overly critical of these really good golfers who have been thrust into a $4 million (!) competition and asked to perform in environments they've never had to perform in. But my goodness, there's not meeting the moment, and then there was this tee shot with a spot in the final three on the line from Jake Adams:
Brutal. It's the dead silence afterward that makes it so much worse, too. You'd almost rather everyone laugh their ass off and kill the tension. As numerous onlookers remarked, Adams' shoulder was literally shaking, and he touched 156 beats per minute on his Whoop. Terrifying stuff. Credit to him for stepping up and hitting a great wedge in on this third, but his two-putt bogey wound up not being enough after Whitney ripped his heart out with a clutch par putt. I truly feel for the guy. That's the type of shot he probably hasn't stopped thinking about since, and it will be the shot he'll think about if he's fortunate to find himself in a similar situation again.
Most Obvious Demise
As hilarious as the thought was of The Duke advancing to the final three and having a chance at $1.3 million, it meant that two players were going to have to play with The Duke. Obviously, the best golfer left, Ryan Ruffels, was going to be one of them. Portnoy and co. decided on Marissa Wenzler being the third, and, while Ruffels had some trepidation about it, he ultimately played the role of the bigger man and accepted his fate. That said, as Portnoy has already pointed out, they did not solely lose because of The Duke, though that brutal triple bogey on the early par 3 did put them in an impossible hole to crawl out of. But Marissa certainly didn't play her best, either. There was a path for them to crack the top two, they just needed one or two serviceable shots from The Duke in a big spot and they never came. Poor Ruffels. Poor Dukey. Poor Marissa. The Duke's heartfelt message on Instagram makes you fell even worse for all of them:
Will The Duke be back? If you go into any comment sections on YouTube, Instagram or Twitter, it seems people want him nowhere near the next version of one of these. In fairness, he's a lot to deal with on the golf course, and the edit hides most of his antics, which seem funnier in very small doses. Part of me loves the dynamic he brings, and I've actually enjoyed watching the really bad golfers try to get it around. But another part of me sees what everyone else sees, including the competitors who get stuck with him. Even Bobby Ray, who is a chatterbox himself, seemingly grew tired of him in their match together. If I know Portnoy like I think I do, The Duke has a spot in this thing for life, so the haters should probably get used to him.
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Format We Should All Try More
This year and last year's Internet Invitational have been reminders that we all need to be playing alternate shot a lot more than we do. Which is, essentially, never. I would not recommend three-man STROKE play alternate shot, nor would that be allowed at most courses, but for you're regular foursome, mixing it in for your 2 v. 2 matches is a must. People forget how much fun strategizing with a teammate is, and you'd be surprised at how much you enjoy the pressure of having to perform for someone else. Of course, the idea of only hitting half the shots, while paying full price for the round, doesn't compute in most recreational golfers' brains. But as long as that type of thinking persists, we'll all continue to miss out on the most fun team format golf has to offer.
Funniest Quote
Credit where credit is due, Riggs, who gets filleted on the internet on a daily basis for his golf swing, handicap, overall game, etc., played great in Ep. 5. Paired with Fat Perez's putter and Bobby Ray's prodigious length off the tee, I'm not sure how that team is going to lose to blacked-out Salim and the Red squad. Especially if Riggs continues contributing. Having said that, him saying that was the "best 9 holes" he's ever played, in THREE-MAN ALTERNATE SHOT, had me doubled over in laughter. Again, he came up clutch and didn't really miss a shot, but how many full swings did he actually make during the nine holes? Six? I think he made six full swings, total. Some great chips and solid putts mixed in, too, no doubt. But the best nine holes of your life, when you took a full swing six times, is a preposterous thing to say.