'Merica

If You’re Not Wearing These Shirts This Weekend, You Are Barely Even an American

June 30, 2017

Because it’s July 4, and because no one wears regular clothes on July 4, here’s a guide to what today’s True Patriots will be wearing, at least the ones who aren’t at a Bocephus concert.

In Which the 16th President Ends Up Like a Dog Who’s Been Beat Too Much

Here is Abe Lincoln, until three months ago America’s most famous Republican, in aviators and a headband from the merch table at the “Born in the U.S.A.” tour. Classy, sure, but frankly it’s a little straightforward for our tastes.

Attention, Donald Trump: That Object is Called a ‘Tank’

Now this is more like it: Do you have a shirt featuring Donald J. Trump standing triumphantly atop a mighty tank, an object which Trump may or may not be able to identify in a lineup of war vehicles? PROBABLY NOT. And if you do, get another one, for when the first is ripped from your torso by adoring mobs at the cotton candy stand. (Our Democrat friends are invited to try the version in which Teddy Roosevelt and a T. Rex are jointly emptying machine guns into the wilderness.)

‘Top Gun,’ But With Non-Metaphorical Birds

Remember when bald eagles were endangered? GOOD NEWS! Now they’re not only unendangered but they have learned to fly airplanes, which is definitely a skill that is required by birds. Here is one in a fighter helmet and gear, posing with avian majesty while three jets fly directly up to space behind him. Ice cold. No mistakes.

The Obligatory Venture Into the Upside Down/Kid Rock Web Store

Roll into your BBQ like a rapping midget with this selection from Kid Rock’s Fish Fry, for the people who like both Kid Rock and Lions Club fundraisers in 1983, which is obviously all the same people.

For Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Knowing is Half the Battle. The Other Half is Whupping Snowflakes With a 2x4

Here is a Hacksaw Jim Duggan t-shirt emblazoned with a parody G.I. Joe logo, which looks pretty cool. Listen, I’m not here to judge a guy who could whip punks with a 2x4, but has anyone figured out why this dude was named Hacksaw? Was he named after objects that could destroy his 2x4? If that was the case, he could be anything. Chainsaw Jim Duggan. Campfire Jim Duggan. Termites Jim Duggan.

Please, America, Don’t Hurt ‘Em

Fashion experts agree that Hammer pants mostly went out because they didn’t have enough American flags on them. This is no longer a problem.

Well, Damn

I laughed at this one.

Help Crowdfund Joey Chestnut’s Forthcoming Intestinal Surgery

If for some reason you don’t know this, Joey Chestnut is a man who has won the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Competition for about 95 years and running, which means he’ll be dead before you reach the end of this sentence. Before that happens, buy a t-shirt that, while duly reverent, does not include an image of him eating, because there are some lines that even CafePress will not cross.

Pure, Simple Elegance

Sometimes it’s the simple things that prove the most classy.

And, Because We’re Pretty Sure We’re Living in a Cartoon Anyway

America is great, but Eternia is better.


WATCH: GOLF DIGEST VIDEOS

MORE FROM THE LOOP