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How to survive the next month of your life without the PGA Tour
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We are in unprecedented times. On Thursday night, the PGA Tour cancelled the remaining rounds of the Players Championship and suspended operations for the next three weeks due to the ongoing Coronavirus pandemic. With their announcement, professional sports in America effectively ground to halt, leaving fans with nothing to do for the next month but practice their elbow daps, learn chess, and make little Coronavirus babies. In two weeks time, we all be grasping for something—ANYTHING GOD HELP US—to help fill the golf-less void in our lives. In a month, we'll be scribbling "yorlIcM" on the walls and announcing old Master highlights with our refrigerator playing the role of Jim Nantz. Before we go full survivalist, however, let's grab those medical mask, hit the CBD like Cheech and Chong, and try to relax, because we have a couple of ideas to not only help us survive, but thrive over the course of the next 30 however many cold, barren, golfless days.
Get out of bed
You can do it. Three, two, one...
Open the shades
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Shower
Stare out the window while rain drips slowly down the pane
Ugly cry while listening to “Augusta”
Remember your children’s names
Tammy...or is it Timmy?
Attempt to save your marriage
Fun Fact: 97% of all golf unions end in divorce
See the world
Walley World, that is.
Get out and take in the arts, like F9
Stay at home and watch Fast and the Furious installments 1-8 instead
In these uncertain times, it’s best to live your life a quarter mile at a time.
Become a “bet on the ponies guy”
Last we heard, ponies can’t get Coronavirus.
Submit your book proposal on the uncontacted tribes of Amazonia
Optional: Embed with the uncontacted tribes of Amazonia.
Hook yourself to an ESPN Classic IV
Doc, find the dosage that will kill us, and then back it off a little bit.
Actually get out and play
You're allowed to wear two gloves just this once.