The Loop
How to Entertain the Entire Crowd with Your Pool Splash Expertise
Thomas Barwick
Whether you have children or have been day-drinking at a barbecue while listening to a 311 Spotify playlist (which, promise us you haven’t), learning how to properly jump into a pool can provide maximum entertainment value for any crowd. Let us kindly help you make a splash:
1. The Classic Cannonball
Degree of Difficulty: 5.0
Proper form: Form a tight ball by tucking your legs and clinging tightly to your knees. For extra impact velocity, rotate slightly backward. If you enter the water properly, you’ll create a splash volcano that can reach eight to 10 feet. (You’ll also touch the bottom of the deep end and get that pressure pain in your ear canals that makes it feel like the world is imploding around you.)
2. The Pencil
Richard Newstead
Degree of Difficulty: Like 0
Proper Form: From a standing position, drop vertically into the pool and touch the bottom, so you can propel back up and burst through the surface like Aquaman. (Note: For safety, do not attempt without Jason Momoa’s beard.)
3. The Can Opener
Degree of Difficulty: Anywhere from 4-10
Proper Form: From the same standing position, kick one leg out and clutch the other one to your chest? Or kick both legs in front of you and go sideways, I think? To be honest, we have no idea how to do this, but we do know it generally ends in searing junk pain.
4. 12 Consecutive Failed Frisbee Catches
Martin Diebel
Degree of Difficulty: 100% depends on who’s throwing the Frisbee
Proper Form: From a standing or running position, hurtle your body through spacetime in a piteous attempt to catch an object that’s flying six feet away from you. When you miss, report that it was a very bad throw and you need to try again. Repeat until you get it right, AS MANY TIMES AS IT TAKES.
5. The Clumsy Businessman
Paul Bradbury
Degree of Difficulty: 3
Proper Form: From a strolling position, amble to the edge of the pool, pretend to trip over a Fast Company and flail wildly during your descent while screaming, “Aaaaugh! My portfolio!” Cracks the kids up every time.
6. Screaming While Fleeing From a Zombie
Degree of Difficulty: 0
Proper Form: Self-explanatory. But note that in real life this doesn’t work, as zombies can swim just fine, so you’re simply assuring that you’ll die in the water and leave a hell of a mess for the pool janitor.
7. The Reverse Trustfall
isitsharp
Degree of Difficulty: 9
Proper Form: While facing away from the pool, fall backwards, remembering to bend slightly before impact to avoid landing on the flat of your back and hollering in searing pain. That hurts, though it cracks the kids up every time.
8. Being Shot by An Imaginary 1930s Gangster’s Tiny 1930’s Pistol
Degree of Difficulty: 5
Proper Form: Requires a little of acting on your part, but it’s basically just clutching your kidneys, falling sideways, adopting a nasally mid-1930s L.A. noir-detective-villain voice and shouting, “Ya got me, copper!” or “gumshoe!” or “gimcrack!” or really pretty much any word that doesn’t make sense. Warning: Once your kids see that you’re up for this, they’ll demand to do it 300 times.
9. The Belly Flop
ntzolov
Degree of Difficulty: Negative one million
Proper Form: Literally cannot write this without grimacing in a Starbucks. If you must perform this, make sure your body remains straight to get that pleasing thwack sound effect on your shock-absorbent belly. Cracks the kids up every time, which will make you feel better when you’re sitting on a towel crying.