Brace Yourself

Here's every way you (maybe) could get arrested at the Philadelphia Super Bowl parade

February 6, 2018

The city of Philadelphia is still lit after its Super Bowl victory, and by that we mean no really, the city is on fire, why isn’t somebody doing something? But Philadelphia won’t let little things like “scattered vandalism” and “exploding garbage trucks” stop it from hosting a blowout Super Bowl parade on Thursday, a day when the city can come together to say, hey fellas, let’s get day-drunk and explode this stranger’s Buick together.

As you might expect, lawmakers — and those charged with policing people who have been drinking cheap beer and/or hoagie juice for 72 hours — have been gearing up for chaos, and have issued these guidelines for possible Philadelphia Parade Infractions, horse-related and otherwise:

Philadelphia Eagles Parade / Possible Infractions and Fines

MAJOR INFRACTIONS

• Assaulting Ben Franklin

• Shouting “Big Dick Nick” on live TV (during news broadcast)

• Shouting “Big Dick Nick” on live TV (after breaking into/commandeering TV station)

• Unsanctioned horse mask

• Attempting to sneak Kevin Hart into parade under your coat

• Rage-throwing a cherry water ice at Liberty Bell

Fine: $1,000, plus cleaning up any horse manure that has gone uneaten

SLIGHTLY MAJOR INFRACTIONS

• Hearing the letters “E A G,” failing to immediately shriek in a stranger’s face

• Backyard display of more than three million fireworks

• Putting more than 200 people on top of a stolen garbage truck, when the legal limit is clearly stated at 185

Fine: $500, plus a thorough hosedown of the LOVE statue

HORSE-RELATED INFRACTIONS

• Basic horse assault (with hands)

• Basic horse assault (with feet)

• Basic horse assault (with face)

• Basic horse assault (with Kevin Hart)

• Horse suplexing

• Horse krav maga

• Cockfighting (with horses)

Fine: $750, plus horse sensitivity training

OBSCENITY-RELATED INFRACTIONS

• Shouting “Fuck Tom Brady” in public

• Shouting “Fuck Tom Brady” in a church/synagogue/mosque/preschool

• Translating “Fuck Tom Brady” into appropriate dialect

• Teaching children and/or parishioners to shout “Fuck Tom Brady”

• Writing accompanying part for church organist while you’re shouting “Fuck Tom Brady”

Fine: $250, plus 10 hours of community service in the Tom Brady Coats section of Talbots

OTHER

• Canopy trampolining

• Being Cris Collinsworth

• Looting some shit you can buy for like 69 cents anyway, like guys, it’s the Super Bowl, shoot higher than Tastykakes

• Facilitating G. Love performance

• Burning Christmas trees, because of course Philadelphia still has like half its Christmas trees up

• Proposing marriage within 50 feet of a man eating literal horse shit

Fine: Varies, and frankly we usually just ask Mike Schmidt what he thinks. If he’s in a bad mood, good luck

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