The Downfall of Society

Domino's Pizza has a baby registry and it's mostly synthetic cheese

December 4, 2017
Portrait of woman eating pizza
Flashpop

If you’re about to be a new father, establishing a registry is the easiest part of the process — generally speaking, mothers handle most of the tough parts, and by “most” I mean “all” and by “tough” I mean sweet jumping Jehosephat. Yet though there’s not too much difficult about plopping on your couch and ordering free things from your friends, the process does come with a little bit of decision-making: Where does one register? Does one stick with Target and Bed Bath and Beyond for necessaries, or get all fancypants and register for Pottery Barn cribs, Restoration Hardware knob pulls and gift certificates from the pro shop, hypothetically?

The choices, frankly, are exhausting. Why is why Domino’s Pizza has swooped in to — once again — find a way to alleviate some of the issues that come with the birth of your child. Last week, the country’s second-best bulk-chain pizza delivery/coupon-wad delivery service (Team Little Caesar’s for life, and if you disagree I will battle you, probably with a spear) launched its own baby registry for new parents, great news for hungry moms and dads/people who are looking for fresh reasons to experience overwhelming disappointment. The registry is “for parents who prefer delicious melty cheese to wipe warmers,” according to the site, although if we’re being technical you can wipe down an infant with either.

The registry includes all of these real offerings, which are real. All verbiage is drawn from the actual website.

Sleeping Through the Night — Trust Us. It’s a Reason to Celebrate: This is essentially a $25 gift card for pizza, but the accompanying clip art depicts an anchovy pizza, which has never been used to celebrate anything, ever. Everybody hates anchovy pizza. Priests hate anchony pizza. People who volunteer at kindergarten book fairs hate anchovy pizza. Anchovies hate anchovy pizza, although that goes without saying

Hormonal and Hangry — The struggle is real: This appears to be a $20 gift card for hoagies, grinders and a largely formless pile of brownies, cookies and gooey objects held together by caramel, which all sounds fine. That said, I’d be hangry if I was expecting a brownie and got a damp Italian beef from Domino’s, but what do I know, I don’t have hormones.

The Gender Reveal – Either is worth a celebration: First of all, kudos to Domino’s for taking the brave stance that boys and girls are both good kinds of children to have. Second of all, I have no idea what clip art of a pizza with green peppers has to do with gender reveals, or the appropriate way to stage a gender reveal in a slice of food made out of tires. Do you just bake in a little pink baby doll? Use light-blue sauce? Cover the pizza with pink glitter? I’m gonna stop writing this and come up with pizza-related gender-reveal ideas for the rest of the day, and then sell them to Little Caesar’s.

Domino’s Oven-Baked Infant Lap Shoulder Bodysuit: That is a swamp of large words for “Onesie That Says ‘Oven-Baked to Perfection,’” the perfect gift for someone who wants to turn their precious precious treasure into a burbling human billboard.

Dadchelor Parties: Look, I don’t know anyone who’s had a dad-bachelor party, I don’t think anyone has a dad-bachelor party, and if anyone tried to schedule one for me, I would laugh in their face and throw baggies of frozen milk packets at them until one exploded. But if your dad-bachelor party involves your friends getting you pizza from Domino’s, you should be happy that your new baby won’t allow you to see them ever again.

Dad’s Babysitting — Mom’s Night Out: To recap: No male can prepare food for himself, so when hopelessly left with the child which he is responsible for raising, the only way he won’t perish from starvation, burn the neighborhood to a crisp and misplace the baby in the basement is to order a pizza, so he can pathetically fumble around for a few hours until the mother gets home.

Matching Pizza Set for Baby and Parent: The mom’s t-shirt shows a whole pie with a slice missing, and the baby’s shirt shows the missing piece, and it’s … dammit that’s cute, I can’t make a joke about this.

The Last Supper: Tomorrow Might Be Delivery Day: Look, I am not a terribly religious person, I haven’t been to a non-funeral Mass in more than a decade and do not take my boys to church. But referencing the life and story of Jesus Christ in selling pizza made out of squirrel parts does not seem an especially appropriate way to do things.

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