For a pursuit that brings such singular joy, parenting is filled with strange and terrible things, such as dadblogging, putting leashes on children, this Captain Underpants movie I’m going to have to f**king rent at some point and 98% of what parents do on social media. Yet because it’s filled with strange and terrible things it’s primed for people selling stranger and more terrible things, which brings us to the idea of the “Daddy Shower” which I learned of via a press release written as though to sound like Brooklyn, Paris and Dubai have been secretly hosting underground Diddy-hosted Daddy Showers for years and the rest of us are just now like, guys, you gotta get in on this.
"Baby showers aren't just for moms anymore!" the press release shrieked, and I thought, "FINALLY! Sure, it’s nice that guys earn more, avoid actual childbirth and pretend phrases like 'Strategic Content Financial Control Analyst' have any meaning at all, but why should only Ladies get to sit around lavishly decorated rooms and open presents for hours? INEQUALITY!" And then I pounded my table importantly and sipped Scotch and harrumphed. Lot of harrumphing. In British.
Anyway, the concept of the Daddy Shower, which is something you're going to want to be real mindful about Googling, is also known as a “Dadchelor Party,” because since the internet began we just all gracelessly smush together words now. You could basically kill an afternoon moderating a televised roundtable about why these are dumb, but let’s just go down this actual list of suggested indignities that might occur at Dadchelor Parties:
• Have everyone bring a case of diapers. Because if there’s anything you want half-assedly supplied by 12 different people who don’t know what they’re doing, it’s diapers. On the plus side, this is better than asking them to bring formula. Or cupcakes.
• Make the new dad assemble a crib or swing. It’s all the excitement of furniture assembly, only it takes place during something that’s supposed to be fun! Also if there’s anything you want to do while drinking with your idiot friends, it’s assemble a complicated device responsible for safely holding your infant.
• Hold bottle-drinking contests! Except grown men can’t really drink out of baby bottles, for obvious reasons, so you have to use the bottles for toddlers instead of for babies and probably have to cut a hole to get any liquid out and beer tastes awful out of bottles you know what maybe just drink out of cups.
• Make the dad-to-be eat a jar of baby food, which, to be fair, is extremely nutritious, and honestly if it’s applesauce this isn’t even a punishment.
• Make the dad-to-be wear an adult disposable diaper! Listen, at some point in the reasonably near future this man will probably be called upon to change a diaper in a Citgo bathroom, stand in public baby pools that are 65% human urine and go see the Captain Underpants movie, so let them man keep his damn dignity for a few more weeks.
One could argue that a baby shower full of bruhs is a way to keep the fathers involve in the baby-prep process, which is a fine and welcome thing that is achievable in any number of ways that don’t involve grown men suckling pacifiers, also suggested, I left that one out. Happily, this problem is easily solved: Guys who want dadchelor parties can organize whatever they want, but instead of at your house, we’ll have it at the bar, and instead of giving presents, we’ll give you nothing, and instead of games involving baby food and man-diapers we’ll watch car races, and if anyone suggests being a grown man wearing a pacifier, we’ll attach a leash to him and leave.