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Bad news! Your sex robot may one day rise up and murder you

September 11, 2017
Group of blow-up dolls and women


I know, I know — you’re reading that headline and thinking, wait, what sort of conceivable negative could come with a safe, innocuous sex robot? You’ve been waiting patiently for decades, you’ve kept up with the technological advances, you’ve read or written the fan fiction, and really you’re just waiting for Amazon Prime to start with the bulk shipments.

But hold the phone, friends, because it turns out that your future droid/wife may come with a pretty significant negative you’ll want to keep in mind. Well, along with having to charge it overnight. And how you can’t spill water on it. And how one faulty connection could, theoretically, instantly electrocute your wang.

I am talking, of course, about how sex robots could be taken over by nefarious hackers, controlled remotely and, theoretically, made to kill you in your sleep, or in the middle of whatever you do with sex robots (look I do not feel good about writing this in a public library).

Indeed, the New York Post, which in these dark times for print journalism remains your go-to source for news about machines people are looking forward to sexing, on Monday morning furnished America’s best perfect journalism sentence:

A cybersecurity scientist has issued a bizarre warning that sex robots could one day rise up and kill their owners if hackers can get inside their heads.

Downside, being found stabbed by a synthetic anime 42DD lady-ninja in an airport Days Inn. Upside: Trump isn’t the thing I’m worried about most today?

The specialist in question is Dr. Nick Patterson, an Australian cybersecurity expert and guy who knows a thing or two about how to make his brand viral in 2017. In an interview with Britain’s Daily Star, Patterson says: “Hackers can hack into a robot or a robotic device and have full control of the connections, arms, legs and other attached tools like in some cases knives or welding devices.”

Which wouldn’t be a problem if robots were safely small and cute, like that orange rolling “Star Wars” volleyball that can give a thumbs-up with a lighter. But sex robots are large! And upwards of 200 pounds! And we generally build them out of sturdy metals! “The last thing you want is for a hacker to have control over one of these robots,” says Patterson, instantly replacing the clown from It as my most potent fear this sunny Monday. “Once hacked they could absolutely be used to perform physical actions for an advantageous scenario or to cause damage.” That’s scientist code for “Some 17-year-old in Slovakia can make your weird uncanny-valley Scarlett Johannson punch you in the fish and chips.”

And the story, which is making me Google “sex robots” an awful lot in this public library, goes on to say that the problem is very close to what we experienced with the Equifax hack, which is that everything electronic is problematic and prone to hacking and it’s probably possible for you to get stabbed by your ATM. In short, everything is bad. As such, there is only one way to avoid getting murdered by a sex robot: Encase yourself in a larger robot suit, one capable of battling your out-of-control partner in a furious mechanical “Real Steel” throwdown, until one of you is nothing more than useless beeping parts on the floor.

Or just try to do it with real people, whichever.