America — at least as of press time — is a functioning republic of adults that has to date produced:
A KFC sandwich in which the bread is chicken.
An enormous Wendy’s indignity that involved something like eight burger patties and 34 pieces of bacon, all of which were physically held together by mayonnaise and
Taco Bell’s long-standing policy of wrapping burritos in other burritos until the resultant blob basically resembles a shoe with some cheese in it.
In addition to saddling anyone under 25 with lifelong student-loan debt and occasionally waging pre-emptive thermonuclear war via social media, we’re apparently home of an endless game of greasy oneupsmanship being waged by basically every company that “Omnivore’s Dilemma” buzzkill was whining about.
But we’re nothing if not on brand, so may I introduce you and your slowly choking arteries to a new pop-up Cheetos restaurant opening in New York City! The Spotted Cheetah pairs the snack most responsible for ruining your video-game controllers with celebrity Food Network chef Anne Burrell, who has written a bunch of the books currently sitting on your aunt’s shelf. The restaurant is designed to pair Cheetos with actual food.
The only downside, aside from all the ones related to your BMI, is that it’ll only be open from Aug. 15-17, and reservations appear to be pretty well sold out, so you’ll either have to snag them on the secondary market or go home, smush up two bags of Cheetos and mix them up with ground beef yourself.
But wait, you’re thinking, I feel like I’ve seen Cheetos in a professional dining environment before? You are correct, sadly! Burger King has twice sold “Mac n’ Cheetos,” which were deep-fried mac-and-cheese sticks covered with a Cheetos coating. They’re about as healthy as a slice of your spare time, but they also provided a near-perfect snack option if it was 1:35 a.m. and you were returning from a Def Leppard concert (long story). For its part, Taco Bell test-launched something called Cheetos Quesadillas, but only in the Philippines, so while it might take a little while for the dish to come to your town, on the plus side there will soon be a tremendous surplus of available real estate in the Philippines. (There’s also a rumored “Cheeto burrito”, which are most of the words Justin Bieber sang when he tried to perform “Despacito.”)
And the idea of goofy pop-up shops designed to create buzz/get idiots on the Internet to write about them has gained much traction in recent years. Earlier this year, Kellogg’s launched a pop-up Pop-Tart restaurant, which is someplace I could have easily ran at the age of 11, and Pepsi threatened what an uproarious press release described as a “hospitality venture,” in which patrons are invited to sit down and eat three solid tablespoons of sugar.
Dishes at the Spotted Cheetah’s three-course menu range from $8 to $22, a figure that will score you 12 bags of your own Cheetos, if you hit the right Costco. If you don’t live in the city, here’s what you’re missing:
The Complete and Absolutely Joke-Free Menu
Dangerously Cheesy Starters
· Cheetos Crusted Fried Pickles + Creamy Ranch
· Cheetos Grilled Cheese & Tomato Soup
· Cheetos Meatballs
· Purrfectly Fried Green Tomatoes
The Big Cheese
· Flamin' Hot and White Cheddar Mac n' Cheetos
· Cheetos Mix-ups Crusted Chicken Milanese
· Spicy Cheetos Nachos
· Flamin' Hot Limón Chicken Tacos
· Cheetos Sweetos Crusted Cheesecake
· Cheetos Sweetos Sweet and Salty Cookies
· White Cheddar Cheetos and Cheetos Sweetos Apple Crepe