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8 reasons you should probably not let Amazon Key into your house

October 25, 2017

Yellow Dog Productions

Amazon, the tech giant that isn’t placing its second headquarters in your hometown so please stop asking, has introduced a revolutionary new service called Amazon Key that will allow its couriers to . . . wait, does this say “open your front door and put your package inside your house?” This is real? They want to get into our homes? Ugh, the future keeps getting worse and worse. A DEFINITELY PARTIAL list of reasons why Letting People Who Work for Amazon Have Access to Your Home is Possibly a Bad Idea:

1. (Heavy defeated sigh, followed by repeated banging of head against desk)

2. To let its couriers into your home, Amazon Key relies on Amazon’s new Cloud Cam and a compatible smart lock. When the courier arrives, he scans a barcode, which is sent to the cloud to request entrance. If everything is legit, the cloud then instructs the camera to begin recording while the courier swipes an app to unlock your door. The courier then enters your house, drops the package by the pile of shoes and snow-water by your front door, takes a good look around for decorating ideas, then swipes again to lock the door. All of this is done under the eternal watchful eye of the Cloud Cam, which you will be stunned to learn is sold by Amazon. To recap: To let Amazon into your house, you should buy a bundle from Amazon that includes lock, camera and installation for $249. (Worse, it only gets delivered to your front porch.)

3. The smart lock can also be used to let people in while you’re away. Technically, yes, this does mean handing access to your home to a large organization, but to be fair none of those are ever hacked.

4. If Cloud Cam operates anything like Alexa, it will occasionally and suddenly treat the house to a Gin Blossoms record.

5. What are you people ordering that you need it to be safely tucked inside your house? Are you that worried about local thieves breaking into your box of Romanian porn DVDs actually wait that makes sense, please disregard.

6. How much more about me do I want Amazon to know? Amazon already has my name, location, shoe size, Christmas wishes and data on the shocking frequency with which my family orders toilet paper (I blame the children). Once for a story I had to order like 24 self-help books, and Amazon spent a solid year suggesting more books about Reaching My Potential, Awakening My Giant Within and Grasping My True Purpose. With Amazon Key, there’s a decent chance I’d come home and find like three therapists sitting there like, listen, do you want to talk about your relationship with your mom?

7. I’m not sure, but there may be potential downsides involved in letting a company enjoy a 24-hour livestream inside your house.

8. Drone delivery is way more badass anyway.