Telling SymptomsJuly 1, 2016

35 signs you are obsessed with golf

If you're reading GolfDigest.com, you likely have some interest in the sport. But to many of us, golf is more than a game. It's our religion, a theology that requires utmost attention. Our leisure periods are devoted to hitting the links; when we're on the clock, we're rehashing our rounds or counting the hours until we return. We occasionally curse its name, but will defend it to the death to any that besmirch it. In short, golf is our addiction.

Not sure if you fall under this umbrella? Here are 35 signs that you're obsessed with golf:

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You use an umbrella to work on your takeaway

Be sure not to click the automatic button when bringing it back.

When buying a carpet, you don’t care about color or material, only “Can I putt on it?”

If the dealer gives you an odd look for bring a Stimpmeter into the store, then clearly they don't deserve your business.

You can’t remember all your fiancé's friends, but can roll-call every Masters champion

In your defense, "Charles Coody" is an unforgettable name.

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You have an unusually strong opinion on white belts (or the interlocking grip)

The Golf Digest rule: If your age plus handicap is under 35, you're in the clear to rock whatever you please.

The first week of April is your favorite holiday

If we have to tell you why, then you're reading the wrong list.

You can’t explain Einstein’s theory of relativity but do know the Stableford equation

You might sound like John Nash from "A Beautiful Mind," but it makes sense to you.

Deem only one word an expletive: “Shank”

Even writing said word makes me shiver.

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Think Will Smith was robbed of an Oscar in “The Legend of Bagger Vance”

He at least deserved a nomination!

You constantly find yourself thinking, “This would make a great par 3”

True story: I once found myself contemplating this at a cemetery during a funeral.

You have some serious year-round tan lines

You don't get that type of burn from playing softball, my friend.

You’ve got annoying grass stains on all your shorts pockets

Thank God for Tide Stick.

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You’ve tried to put ball markers in vending machines

Better yet, they've worked!

You watch "Tin Cup" every time it’s on TV

Even if Don Johnson has the swing of a 20-handicap.

You know how many days it is until your next golf trip

To go along with the subsequent emails to friends keeping them apprised of the countdown.

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You’d sacrifice one of your children to play Augusta National

We joke…but don’t lie, you’ve thought about it.

Your first question when planning a vacation is "What good courses are nearby?”

And if the answer is "none," you move on to the next prospective destination.

You’re that guy being chased by the course employees when it gets too dark to play

Or, if you're really close with the staff, they'll light up the 18th green like the fans did for Tiger at Firestone.

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To you, Adam Scott is a handsome golfer, not handsome actor

Nothing weird about it, just game recognizing game: Scott's a good-looking cat.

You find old tees in every pair of shorts

Hopefully you make this discovery before doing laundry.

You tend to measure time in relation to the golf calendar

“She’s due the Tuesday after the member-guest.”

You always have an uncanny grasp of the 10-day forecast

Which is coupled with an optimistic outlook. "Guys, it's only an 80 percent chance of rain. That means there's a 20 percent shot it won't!"

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You have a life-sized painting of Rich Lerner in your foyer at home.

Frankly, it'd be weird if you didn't.

The screensaver on your phone is a photo of some great golf course you’ve played or visited

As the Golf Digest editors were compiling this list, I thought, "Eh, this seems like a stretch." Until I looked down at my phone and realized I have Whistling Straits as my background.

When a car stops to let you cross the street, you wave to them like you’re Rory McIlroy after making a birdie at a golf tournament

But don't tip your hat; some drivers see that as an affront.

The pro you take lessons from is your emergency contact

He's already seen your god-awful backswing and stuck with you. I can think of no better candidate to help out in your time of need.

You name your pets after famous golf clubs

"Merion" and "Muirfield" are nice handles, right? Almost as nice as...

Your Pebble Beach polo is the nicest piece of clothing in your closet

Everyone has a shirt and tie; flaunting a Pebble logo is like being in a club.

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You own both of John Daly’s country music albums

And they're not that bad!

You ask “Where were you when Tiger hit the hydrant?” the way some people ask “Where were you when Armstrong landed on the moon?"

And just like the moon landing, you probably have a few conspiracy theories of what happened that night in Isleworth.

You refer to a successful job of parallel parking as a “green in regulation”

Hopefully the person riding shotgun reciprocates the high-five like a caddie would.

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You consider that time you saw Arnold Palmer at a car dealership a religious experience

In the middle ages, royalty would often leave the throne to walk the streets with the commoners. In today's time, that means the King signing autographs surrounded by used Pontiacs and radio djs. But boy, was Palmer's smile something else.

Believe “Sandbagger” is the most insulting name in the English language

With "Vanity Handicapper" not far behind.

Your first thought after “Brexit” was “Hmm, I should book a Scotland golf trip”

It would be fiscally irresponsible NOT to look into the matter.

You have a calendar reminder to change your grips

In case you forget, that's once every 40 rounds. And finally...

Deem “shooting your age” the highest honor one can achieve

If I ever attain this triumph, I hope I die on the spot. Because life doesn't get any better than that.


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