Telling SymptomsJuly 1, 2016

35 signs you are obsessed with golf

If you're reading, you likely have some interest in the sport. But to many of us, golf is more than a game. It's our religion, a theology that requires utmost attention. Our leisure periods are devoted to hitting the links; when we're on the clock, we're rehashing our rounds or counting the hours until we return. We occasionally curse its name, but will defend it to the death to any that besmirch it. In short, golf is our addiction.

Not sure if you fall under this umbrella? Here are 35 signs that you're obsessed with golf:

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You use an umbrella to work on your takeaway

Be sure not to click the automatic button when bringing it back.

When buying a carpet, you don’t care about color or material, only “Can I putt on it?”

If the dealer gives you an odd look for bring a Stimpmeter into the store, then clearly they don't deserve your business.

You can’t remember all your fiancé's friends, but can roll-call every Masters champion

In your defense, "Charles Coody" is an unforgettable name.

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You have an unusually strong opinion on white belts (or the interlocking grip)

The Golf Digest rule: If your age plus handicap is under 35, you're in the clear to rock whatever you please.

The first week of April is your favorite holiday

If we have to tell you why, then you're reading the wrong list.

You can’t explain Einstein’s theory of relativity but do know the Stableford equation

You might sound like John Nash from "A Beautiful Mind," but it makes sense to you.

Deem only one word an expletive: “Shank”

Even writing said word makes me shiver.


Think Will Smith was robbed of an Oscar in “The Legend of Bagger Vance”

He at least deserved a nomination!

You constantly find yourself thinking, “This would make a great par 3”

True story: I once found myself contemplating this at a cemetery during a funeral.

You have some serious year-round tan lines

You don't get that type of burn from playing softball, my friend.

You’ve got annoying grass stains on all your shorts pockets

Thank God for Tide Stick.

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You consider that time you saw Arnold Palmer at a car dealership a religious experience

In the middle ages, royalty would often leave the throne to walk the streets with the commoners. In today's time, that means the King signing autographs surrounded by used Pontiacs and radio djs. But boy, was Palmer's smile something else.

Believe “Sandbagger” is the most insulting name in the English language

With "Vanity Handicapper" not far behind.

Your first thought after “Brexit” was “Hmm, I should book a Scotland golf trip”

It would be fiscally irresponsible NOT to look into the matter.

You have a calendar reminder to change your grips

In case you forget, that's once every 40 rounds. And finally...

Deem “shooting your age” the highest honor one can achieve

If I ever attain this triumph, I hope I die on the spot. Because life doesn't get any better than that.