May 19, 2008

Tale Of Two Rednecks

The competing sagas of Boo and J.D.

In the latest episode of "CSI Trailer Park," we have a couple of guys running the old Good Redneck/Bad Redneck game on us. On the one side, you got a guy who, every time he opens his mouth, something completely Boolicious comes tumbling out. The man could charm a charging javelina, or your basic golf reporter, not that there's a lot of difference between the two. Doesn't matter what he's talking about, it's hysterical. On the other, we got a guy who makes a video barefoot and topless with a cigarette dangling out his mouth in a kind of Ozark homage to pork bellies. One thing is for sure: He ain't no Ian Poulter. Mommas, hide the 4-H girls.

The bad redneck got attacked by a set of steak knives last year, and this year he got into a very public rhubarb with Butch (No-Nonsense) Harmon over who apologized to whom for what after Butchie kicked him out of the advanced class. Here's a guy whose initials ought to be changed from J.D. to W.D. and he expects someone to believe him. And it all comes out after a weather delay in Tampa sent him in search of motherly comfort in the bosom of a Hooters tent. Blow the horn, get me an order of Three Mile Island wings and a cold beer. Come out with a football coach. How could anyone get the impression he wasn't taking the game seriously?

Meanwhile, the good redneck gets a second plaid jacket at Harbour Town and says, if he can just win there half as much as Davis Love III did, he'd have enough fabric for some curtains and a matching table cloth. He thinks this golf thing is way too tricky to count on, long term. It's not steady, honest work like hydroblasting chemical vats for $7.50 an hour so he figures maybe he'll play until he has enough saved up to pay for the house and the cement pond, maybe some college for the kids, then he's going to get out of it, do a little hunting and fishing. What with all this traveling, he has to TiVo "Gobblin' Fever," and he gets his kicks on the course scaring city kids like Anthony Kim with leatherback turtles.

Sam Snead played the mountain hick schtick for all it was worth, and then some, but Ol' Sam had one hand in your pocket while he was doing it. Boo Weekley is so adorable Colin Montgomerie wanted to take him home like a souvenir from the New World. At first we all made fun of his simple country way of looking at the world until we couldn't help but fall under his spell. If it's an act, it's a damn good one. And if you think Woody Austin was the team mascot at the Presidents Cup, wait until you see Boo if he's on the side at Valhalla. Think Zinger will dress them in camouflage sport coats for the opening ceremony? He's already designated Boo the team spokesman, and the Times of London has hired an interpreter.

One redneck stopped being funny quite some time ago. The other has an English degree from Scratch Ankle Community College where they invented funny.

One is completely honest with everyone, about pretty much everything. One isn't even honest with himself.

One is a gift, the other is a debt. One's a Daly, the other a Weekley.

It's a tale of two rednecks and while neither one has the capacity for meanness, only one has the capacity for self-control.

One is bound for a bad end. The other for a good, decent life.