Why your not-so-favorite NFL coach SHOULD be fired

It's Black Monday here in the NFL megaplex, an annual celebration of expendability where grown men with families who they haven't seen in a decade to care for and mansion mortgages to pay get the unceremonious a-x-e, axe, axe, axe. Outside of the Buccaneers' Dirk Koetter, the Cardinals' Steve Wilks, and the Jets' Todd Bowles, we don't yet know which heads will roll, but rampant, reckless speculation is half the fun, so let's dig in and take a look at WHY your favorite not-so-favorite emblem of professional futility deserves to have the door hit them on the way out this year:

UPDATE: Gase and Lewis were fired literally as I sat here and wrote this thing.

Jon Gruden - Oakland Raiders

Age: 55

Salary: $10 million

Looks Like: Chucky's creepy uncle

Should Be Fired For: Restoring the one-time NFL trash heap to its former glory.

Doug Marrone - Jacksonville Jaguars

Age: 54

Salary: No one cares enough to have asked, it seems.

Looks Like: A twice-baked potato

Should Be Fired For: Briefly validating Blake Bortles to an entire nation.

Adam Gase - Miami Dolphins

Age: 40

Salary: $5,000,000

Looks Like: He'd rather die.

Should Be Fired For: Naming two starting running backs "just to be an asshole."

Mike Zimmer - Minnesota Vikings

Age: 62

Salary: $4,000,000

Looks Like: Gascan Grimace

Should Be Fired For: Wasting Kirk Cousins' prime (hahahahaha, sorry, sorry, couldn't keep a straight face on that one).

Vance Joseph - Denver Broncos

Age: 46

Salary: $4,000,000

Looks Like: He's having the TIME. OF. HIS. LIFE.

Should Be Fired For: John Elway's belief that Brock Osweiler was the next John Elway.

Matt Patricia - Detroit Lions

Age: 44

Salary: $4,000,000

Looks Like: A graduate of Bill Belichick's School For Guys Who Can't Dress Good and Want to Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too

Should Be Fired For: Unintentional irony.

Dan Quinn

Age: 48

Salary: $5,000,000

Looks Like: The goatee your dad tried to grow that one time sprouted legs and just walked off.

Should Be Fired For: 28-3

Marvin Lewis - Cincinnati Bengals

Age: 650

Salary: 10 millions souls

Looks Like: Death incarnate.

Should Be Fired For: Reaping disease, famine, and war upon mankind.