The Miracles of Flight

We lay odds on which terrible humans will accompany you on your Thanksgiving travel

November 14, 2017
Planes, Trains, and Automobiles movie poster.

Everybody on an airplane is bad. The people sitting on either side of you in seats A and C are bad. The irritating family of Florida vacationers behind you is bad. The new friends having a flirty conversation on the red-eye are bad. The people at customer service are bad, particularly the ones who apparently looked at my ticket and my 6-year-old’s ticket and thought, well let’s sit those guys about 20 rows apart! People simply do not make sense on planes, and by that I mean they don’t make sense anywhere, but they’re more confined on planes, so it’s much more obnoxious. (I will literally only talk to my airplane neighbors if our plane suddenly explodes, and even then only long enough to tell them hurry up with the oxygen tank.)

But with the approaching Thanksgiving travel weekend/night you’ll spend on the tile floor of Washington-Dulles, the chances of having to interact with other traveling humans are at their annual high — and sadly, our country contains a lot of humans. We’ve laid odds on the type of people you’ll probably be sitting between on your late and non-air-conditioned trip: Put in your headphones, adopt a permanent scowl that says “I don’t give a damn why you’re going to Fort Lauderdale” and good luck:

Excessively Chatty Retiree: (6/1)

Minecrafting Tweens: (5/1)

Ron Tom

Woman Traveling Length of Plane in Search of Undiscovered Eight Square Feet of Overhead Bin Space: (4/1)

Whining Baby: (10/1)

Whining Toddler: (5/1)

Whining Adult: (2/1)

Gentleman for Whom the Departure Time Was Clearly Too Early to Sneak In a Shower: (10/1)

Woman Who Thinks Her Headphones Are Plugged Into Her Laptop But They’re Not Remotely Plugged Into Her Laptop, Meaning You’re Basically Having Eat, Pray, Love Injected Directly Into Your Brain: (5/1)

Man Certain That Overhead Compartment Can Absolutely Accommodate His Golf Clubs: (1/1)

Bros: (2/1)

Airline CEO in Ad for Airline’s Corporate Credit Card Screened at Volumes Loud Enough to Rattle Bolts Off the F**king Plane: (5/1)

Farters: (1/1)

Gross 55-Year-Old Businessman Hitting on Much Younger Woman Next to Him by Revisiting the Highlights of His High School Basketball Career: (1/1)

Paul Kane

Parents Who Brought Bags of Fun-Sized Candy to Distract Everyone from the Shrieking Demogorgon to Whom They Gave Birth: (20/1)

Bringer of Sandwiches with Many Onions: (3/1)

Kindly Warm Lady Who Reminds You of Your Grandmother Yet Won’t Shut Up About the Need to “Brine the Turkey,” Whatever That Means: (100/1)

Guy Being Dragged Down the Aisle by United Flight Attendants, Yes This an Old Reference But We’re Leaving It: (20/1)

Man in Aisle Seat Who Will Stand Immediately Upon Exit Door Opening, Resulting in His Ass Being Near Your Face for 10 Minutes: (1/1)

Blisteringly Loud Video about “Hot Places to Visit in Vegas” Screening Relentlessly Before Your Flight to Indianapolis: (5/1)

Man Overweight Enough to Ensure That You’re Not Accessing the Chair-Recline Button Anytime Soon: (5/1)

Neighbor Who Asks If the Book You’re Reading is Good: (3/1)

Neighbor Who Asks if the Book You’re Reading is Good and It’s Like “The Martian” Or Something So Yeah It’s Obviously Pretty Good: (12/1)

Zhang Peng

Woman Who’s Not Gonna Take That Empty Seat Next to You, No Way, Just Keep Walking, She’s Not Turning She’s Not DAMMIT Ugh Fine I’ll Let You In: (1/1)

Businessman Waiting Until the Last Bleeding Second to Turn off His Cellphone Because These Committees Aren’t Going to Consult Themselves: (12/1)

Jackass Writing Humor Columns About Air Travel: (1/1)


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