Quarantine Miracles

How in tarnation did this degenerate gambler just win such an ungodly amount of money on table tennis?

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JACQUES DEMARTHON

The absence of live sports has degenerate gamblers doing unspeakable things. Belarusian and Nicaraguan soccer and Russian table tennis and tennis are sustaining our betting palates in these sports-less times. If you're in the one of the dozen-plus American states where mobile wagering is legal, betting some pizza money on exotic sports is something to get us through quarantine.

A few bucks here and there is one thing. Then there's what one bettor won on a Russian table tennis parlay, according to William Hill. The Nevada sportsbook reported it paid out over six figures on a 10-team table-tennis parlay this week; a sentence that would've seemed unimaginable two months ago pre-covid-19.

A six-figure payday because he bet all the favorites in 10 ping-pong matches over in Russia? We have so many questions.

First of all, whoever is putting $100 on a 10-team parlay on Russian table tennis clearly has so much money sitting in their mobile account, they figured, you know what, why not sprinkle it on all the favorites in the ping-pong slate? Instead of us ridiculing them for that decision, we have some assemblance of respect for the move.

Or, this person has been reading up on all table-tennis contenders for years, and they've been waiting for their moment to cash in. Studying the spin rate and exit velocity of the table-tennis ball, you thought, was a colassel waste of time. Little did you know, it'd be the marquee sport to bet on during May ... when it's usually a great time of year sports-wise.

Sigh, instead of being jealous about this lucky, lucky bettor, we'll tip our cap to you, random mobile-app table-tennis bettor. We hope this all-favorites parlay isn't the latest example of Russian meddling (we kid, we kid). Next time, just give us a heads-up on your hot tips and let us cash in with you.

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