The Streaker, whether clothed or nude, is sports' most vulnerable creature

June 18, 2018

I ask you, friends: Are people who jump down from the stands, run around the field/course/court like idiots, and bring a halt to a game...not people? Do they not bleed red blood like you and me? Are they not deserving of mercy, bedeviled as they are by drunkenness and stupidity and a crushing desire for temporary fame?

This guy decided to streak (I use that word regardless of the person's state of dress, because as far as I know we don't have a word to distinguish between naked and clothed streaking) at a CFL game, and look what happened to him:

Then this guy made the same move during a rain delay at the College World Series:

A few thoughts:

1. Streakers need to start using some defensive maneuvers. You can't just sit there and let someone have a free shot at you! Try a damn spin move!

2. Have we just decided that violent assault is totally cool now if someone streaks? I'm not necessarily saying I want that player or that security dude prosecuted, but is it really necessary to use that much force? I say it's excessive!

3. I get that the ultimate trump card here is the deranged Steffi Graf fan who stabbed Monica Seles, and I guess that's the standard by which we're judging the potential threat of anyone who leaps from the stands. But at this point, with thousands and possibly tens of thousands of non-stabbers set against one stabber, can't we adjust? Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I'm living in fantasy world. Maybe these people deserve to be maimed. But a fellow can dream, can't he?

4. However, if any streaker gets even remotely close to my precious New York Yankees, there should be someone on site to take them down. And if one approaches Rafa Nadal, I think napalm is in order.

5. Aside from those hypotheticals, I'm declaring the streaker America's newest revolutionary. Considering the danger involved, these men are national heroes. We finally have our Che Guevara.

The Ultimate Event Redeemers of the Week: Mexico

Before Mexico took down Germany, here was the one paragraph summary of the World Cup from the mind of a non-soccer fan who watches every two years for the Euros and the World Cup:

No America, which means I can't annoy my soccer friends with the delusional insistence that we're going to win this time, and no going crazy and spilling beer on everyone when we have our one good moment. The favorites mostly winning, and every European team either winning against an non-Euro opponent or tying each other. (Seriously, in Euro vs. non-Euro matches, the Euros were 5-0-1.) Messi letting everyone down. Every African team losing. Cristiano Ronaldo being unfairly good at his job for someone so good-looking. Predictability everywhere.

Then Mexico came along, and they beat the evil Germans—defending World Cup champs—with this goal:

Not only that, but they seemed to totally outplay the Germans, and probably should have finished with three or four goals. It was terrific, and I absolutely loved this shot of a group of Mexican fans surrounded by sullen Germans cheering at the Brandenburg Gate:

This is, quite literally, the only good moment of the World Cup so far. Right now I'm half-watching Sweden and South Korea fight to a boring 0-0 halftime tie, and later we'll get to watch England attempt not to embarrass itself against Tunisia. But Mexico? That was a very good moment. And even though they'll almost surely flame out later in the event and we'll have to watch some horrendous 0-0 penalty kick war of attrition between two European sides in the final, I'm glad it happened.

Best Anti-Phil Mickelson Take of the Weekend: John Hopkins, Very British Man

The reaction to Phil Mickelson stopping his own putt at the U.S. Open, which was both hilarious and not really that big a deal considering he was roughly 89 over par at the time, was comically melodramatic. Nobody can get their metaphorical undergarments in a bunch like golf media, and suffice it to say that I don't agree with the take that Phil Mickelson has ruined his legacy. Enough said on that front.

HOWEVER, if you are going to take Phil to task, Global Golf Post's John Hopkins did it the right way. And the very British way:

Like I said, I don't agree with the take at all, but after listening to that bit of invective, which was part understatement and part vicious chastening mixed with just a hint of residual colonial pomposity, I'm ready to throw Phil in the king's debtor prison, where he shall languish and rot for a fortnight. Place his four limbs on the four walls of the kingdom as an example to the Caledonians!

The "You Think Conditions Are Bad at Shinnecock? Hold My Beer" Golf Course of the Week:

Meanwhile, in Scotland...

The Resilient Athlete of the Century: This Horse

This racehorse FELL, half-dumped his jockey, and then...well, watch, starting at the 1:10 mark:

As someone who has unfortunately seen a horse fall living during a race, I know firsthand that it often means a swift trip to the glue factory. One of my childhood traumas involved a trip to Saratoga when they had to bring on the scrim and put the horse out of its misery. Not fun! But to fall, get up, keep the jockey on your back and win? Des De Jeu (English: "The Game") is the Louis Zamperini of horses.