Don't Go There

The ketchup-mayo blend ‘Mayochup’ is tearing America apart, with good cause

April 13, 2018

Ketchup is not and should never be a point of contention among grown American adults, and yet here we are: With the fabric of democracy tearing and the status of your online privacy all but evaporated, Heinz has lobbed an additional thick gloppy grenade into the Culture Wars by making us address some very serious questions regarding condiments. (FOR THE RECORD: The LONE argument you should have about ketchup is whether it belongs on hot dogs, and in this context I’m a hard yes, because of how it masks the flavor of the mouse meat.)

Indeed, the famous lunch-slathering company announced this week that it’s testing a food-type substance that blends ketchup and mayonnaise and will, if released, both bring your heart to a full stop and produce a stain that will literally never ever come out of your linen shirts. The forthcoming goo is called Mayochup, because 10 years ago the Internet discovered that mashing two words together was briefly entertaining way to name novelty garbage, and now no one can stop. (It is also fourth best option of smooshed-up names for this thing, behind Catnaise, Maketyochnaiseup and Tetra AquaSafe Fish Tank Water Conditioner.)

Before we get any further into the world of squirtable burger-slime, I have to note that Mayochup has spent 24 hours more or less tearing The Loop offices apart. “We had a whole discussion in the office about whether this new Heinz concoction isn't just Russian dressing,” wrote my editor, in case you wonder what goes on in there the week after the Masters. “Isn't it?”

Let me address this in parts. First of all, that’s the sort of left-field out-of-the-blue reference you’d expect to hear from a cabal of Russian spies posing as golf editors, doesn’t it, COMRADE? Second, there’s Russian dressing? I didn’t think the Russians contributed to our culinary culture besides vodka that comes by gallons and, like, a giant plate dropped on your table with a huge cold dead-eyed fish on it. Honestly I figured they were too busy running America to worry about salads, but whatever.

Anyway, Russian food company Heinz is about to sell Russian dressing, or at least they will be if this cute viral Twitter poll run by stunt-inventing millennials in the employ of an enormous corporation works out. If Heinz racks up 500,000 yes votes, we will all be blessed with a delightful new condiment option (you have until April 15 to vote, it’s a good way to put off paying taxes).

But here’s the thing: People are furious about this! They’re furious because you can make your own mayochup at home, if you have ketchup, and mayo, and a spoon, or a fork, or a paintbrush, or some pencils, whatever. It’s not something for which you should need much assistance.

They’re also furious because this exists already and it has a different name, according to many Twitter people who live in the large empty states out west. Heinz is hip to this! "The next question at hand is whether we call this delicious blend Mayochup or Fry Sauce," said Nicole Kulwicki, director of marketing for Heinz and someone who probably did not leave school expecting to become part of a western state mayo-related online turf war. "We know our friends in Idaho and Utah are passionate about Fry Sauce, and we’ve seen lots of other great suggestions online, so if we get to 500K YES votes, we will be giving the nation a say in our final name."

So, to recap: Get on Twitter, people! And decide if you like mayo and ketchup mixed all together, and if you’d like Heinz to jam it in a squirtable tube for you, and if it has already reigned for 60 years under a different name in Boise, and which of those names you’d like to see on the shelves at the local Piggly Wiggly, and MAN this is a lot of work, and I’m getting seriously hungry for some mouse meat.

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