The frantic stream of consciousness of a single golfer approaching the starter
There are few things in golf more terrifying than showing up to the first tee as a, gulp, single. Sure, playing golf with other people is great. But getting paired with a stranger can be a daunting task. And sometimes, when you show up alone, you really just want to play alone. Of all the frantic thoughts swirling through the mind of a single golfer, one of the first is the fear that you're going to be paired with someone really good….
Or that you're paired with someone really bad…. And slow….
Or that it's going to be someone who looks at your clubs and decides that you’re probably good, and they say, "You're probably pretty good!" You laugh, Who me? Nah. And then you top it off the first tee and that just triggers all of your golf insecurities and you don’t get the ball airborne for the rest of the round….
Or he’s one of those low/mid-handicappers who tries to give everyone lessons. You don’t want a lesson! Go away! …
Or he wants to play a match….
Or he doesn’t want to play a match...
Or he’s one of those grown men who plays in all-orange golf gear, even though Rickie Fowler doesn’t even do that anymore….
Or he doesn’t fix divots….
Or he starts telling stories about the best shots of his life. And never stops….
Or he’s the type of player who flirts with the cart girl, and you try to make an, ‘I’m so sorry about him,’ face at her, and he catches you, and you get into a huge fight right in front of the cart girl and you get your ass kicked, because of course….
Or he’s really chatty.... Or he doesn’t talk at all. And then you try to talk a lot of kind of fill the silence, you know? Make it less awkward? But then all you do is make it more awkward by sharing way too much about yourself...
Or he'll drink 100 beers….
Or you'll (accidentally) drink 100 beers….
Or you get your first hole-in-one and have to celebrate the momentous occasion with a total stranger….
Or he wants to play the back tees and you just really, honestly, cannot hit it far enough but don’t want to make it awkward, so you play the back tees and then end up shooting the round of your life….
Or he wants to play the back tees and you just really, honestly, cannot hit it far enough but don’t want to make it awkward, so you play the back tees and it’s going terribly. Like, really, really poorly. He tries to get you to move up a tee, but you dig your heels in. Oh hell no, you’re not going down easy, pal. You’re grinding this thing out. And you shoot 120….
Or you have to join a threesome. They’re all old buddies from college who haven’t seen each other in a couple years….
Or maybe, just this once, the starter will let you go out there alone.