There are two kinds of people in this world: Aspiring aerospace engineers/ Marvel cosplay nerds/MythBusters who begin conceiving and assembling their Halloween costume in like mid-July, because it takes that long to get all the necessary parts from China, and the rest of us, who usually get to this part of the season and think, aw hell, I’ve got two days and all the good stuff’s probably long been cleared out of Party City. (Just kidding! There’s no good stuff in Party City, and you only go there if it’s 8 p.m. on Oct. 30 and you’re just giving up and buying your kid a ready-made Darth Vader.) If you are in the latter camp — which you are because you bit at the headline — let us suggest a few ways you can still SAVE HALLOWEEN, or at least make it look like you thought about it before today. (NOTE: This puts you like a week behind Mitch Trubisky, hope you’re happy with yourself.)
1. Bill Belichick
What You’ll Need: Sweatshirt, sweatpants, sweatsocks, seriously just go into your dad’s closet and obtain like the first three shapeless gray objects in your line of vision. Obviously there’s no need to worry about whether anything fits.
How to Go The Extra Mile: Surreptitiously videotape other Halloween parties to steal their ideas
OR: Stuff a pillow under your shirt and go as Hans and/or Franz. Jeez, how did we never see this before.
2. Alex Cora
What You’ll Need: Basically just a red sweatshirt and a look that indicates you’ve deriving precisely zero degrees of joy from captaining the planet’s best baseball team to a World Series win in your first 13 minutes on the job.
How to Go the Extra Mile: React to literally nothing for the course of the entire night. Kid turns up in a functional dinosaur costume? Say nothing. Kids come home with a bucket of Tic Tacs and note cards with inspirational quotes? Do not respond. Family of squirrels leaps into the bonfire? Keep your face FLAT. Sure, you’re participating in an event based in childhood joy but YOU ARE AN IMPASSIVE ICE CREATURE.
OR: Paint your sock red and bitch about humanity’s socio-cultural progress and be Curt Schilling, whichever.
3. Justin Turner
What You’ll Need: 14 solid feet of tangly crimson beard-age. They actually might have this at Party City, we shouldn’t have made fun up there.
How to Go the Extra Mile: After trick-or-treating ends, just keep doing it for like another six hours until everybody’s exhausted and pleading for somebody to f**king end it already.
OR: Use the same general idea to be Bigfoot, Groundskeeper Willie, or Gossamer from Looney Tunes. You know the one.
4. Rick Pitino
What You’ll Need: Industrial-grade mousse, whatever you use to put gray touch-ups in your hair, five or six FBI agents following you around at all times.
How to Go the Extra Mile: Walk around telling everyone you want to coach again, then you don’t, then you do, then you don’t, until literally no one gives a merry hot damn anymore
OR: Basically just attach yourself to anyone dressed like a basketball player and keep asking if he needs help shooting free throws/developing his raw talent/becoming hopelessly entangled in bottomless scandals
5. An E-Sports Champion
What You’ll Need: Dog food-sized sack of Doritos, Xbox controller, goofy hat, vague yet unmistakable yellow tint to skin, jersey that makes you look sort of like an athlete and yet not really
How to Go the Extra Mile: End every single sentence you say with the word, “Bruh”
OR: End every single sentence with the phrase, “Bruh, follow me on Instagram”
6. Hue Jackson
What You’ll Need: The normal unremarkable clothes befitting a man who does not and never should have coached a professional football team
How to Go the Extra Mile: Have a buddy go as Tyronn Lue, and hope you run into a bunch of people who get snarky Cleveland sports references. Actually, to do that you’d probably have to go to Cleveland, which would make these costumes a questionable idea, and also probably be super-expensive in gas
OR: Wear a shirt that reads, “In three years, I won three fewer games than Hue Jackson did”
7. Rocky Lombardi
What You’ll Need: Yeah, we didn’t know this dude before Michigan State hammered Purdue on Saturday either, but 1. His goddamn name is Rocky Lombardi, and he plays football and 2. He has the mighty flaxen hair of the Norse God of Thunder. Everybody in East Lansing is doing this already, but you can maybe be semi-novel if you live on a coast.
How to Go the Extra Mile: This football player’s name is Rocky Lombardi. His parents already went as extra-mile as anyone can go, unless his middle name is Ditka-Nagurski and they didn’t tell anyone
OR: Pick up an acoustic guitar and be one of the Nelsons.
8. Rob Gronkowski
What You’ll Need: Sweet weeping Jesus, please don’t do this.
8. Adam Vinatieri
What You’ll Need: Honestly, not much, but this is a really good costume idea for your dad.