5 reasons we’ve got to set our clocks back another damn year

November 02, 2017
Clock at the wall


This weekend marks the end of daylight-saving time, so on Saturday night you should set your clocks back an hour. Or, more accurately, you should do nothing! All your clocks are operated by robots, The Cloud™ and talking female hockey pucks in your kitchen, and they’ll have adjusted themselves while you slept like a clueless baby, so you really only need worry about your coffee maker, oven and the dashboard in your car, which will take you four hours to set and possibly involve a passcode. (Apparently my checking account has the same level of security as the CD player in my CR-V.)

Most of the United States observes daylight-saving time, the primary reason you can never organize a conference call, except Arizona and such places as Hawaii, American Samoa, Guam and the U.S. Virgin Islands, where they’re far too busy enjoying sunshine, ocean breezes and the feeling of sand on their feet quality of life to give a damn about this dumb noise. So why do the rest of us? Why does a culture that eradicated polio until Jenny McCarthy showed up, gone to the moon unless that’s a fake and mastered the art of turning our face into talking poop piles put up with other people jacking around with our clocks? Some theories, and reasons why they are all dumb:

1. Farmers demand it: According to legend, daylight-saving time is partly thanks to the influence of farmers, who it was said had to adjust their schedules to till soil, harvest grain and shoot pickup truck commercials. But this argument no longer applies because 1. 95% of all huge awesome agricultural equipment is now run by robots and/or are Transformers, and 2. This whole thing is a huge lie! Well whatever, I’m still mad at cows.

2. Some states like being petulant: In the case of my home state of Indiana, decisions regarding time are all over the place, so basically whoever has the biggest makeshift basketball hoop nailed to the side of his barn gets to choose. Prior to 2006, the entire system was a hopeless patchwork of competing laws. For instance, Grant County operated entirely by a system of sundials and groundhogs; in Pulaski County it was just 7:45 p.m. all the time. The entire northeast corner of the state adhered to the Norweigan calendar, and four towns in the south central region didn’t want the government telling them what time it is anyway. In 2006, the state adopted daylight-saving time, because, according to state representatives from both: "We're onery, now git." If you’ve ever wondered what the government does in Indiana, it’s pretty much just this. Anyway all the confusion causes Peyton Manning to show up late to many of his 700 monthly Papa John’s commercials.

3. People are trying to avoid heart attacks, maybe: In 2008, a study done by gorgeous Swedish researchers found that the number of heart attacks actually dipped the Monday after clocks were set back an hour, possibly, the scientists surmised while humming “All That She Wants,” because people got an extra hour of sleep that night. And guess what scientists found in the spring, in their time off from brewing fantastic beer and going gerfluergeling along the fjords? YEAH. More heart attacks happened during the first week after the start of daylight saving time in the spring, especially in the first three days. I guess it evens out, but it all seems like a lot of trouble.

4. Nobody cares about workplace safety: In 2009, the Journal of Applied Psychology (it’s the one with Kylie Jenner on the cover) found that in the week following daylight-saving time in the spring, mine workers experienced 5.7 percent more workplace injuries. Plus, the weird sleep schedule throws off morning commutes, making it harder for drivers to focus on their texting.

5. America likes doing things that are bad for it: Let’s face it: We are a sleep-deprived society, daylight-saving time causes an increase in heart attacks and early-morning archery accidents (well, it does, and no I don't have the numbers, but, just, it does), and most importantly, it is difficult for me personally to figure out, so it must be abandoned at once. As long as it’s OK with Mellencamp, obviously.