Should I give a lesson to both a member's wife and his mistress?

Editor's note: This article first appeared in The Undercover Newsletter, where we grant anonymity to people in golf who’ve got something to say. Here a veteran PGA Professional is interviewed by Senior Writer Matthew Rudy. To receive the The Undercover Newsletter, you can sign up via Golf Digest+.

Earlier in my career, I worked at a prominent (and very private) club in the middle of the country that technically allowed families and female members but was for all practical purposes a men’s golf club. For most members, it was a second or third club—a place to host client groups in an out-of-the-way-but-convenient place. It was also an environment where members knew they could bring a special “friend” for golf, cocktails and dinner, and no fellow members (or staff) would ask any awkward questions. That meant learning—both explicitly from leadership and implicitly by paying attention—that providing excellent service meant being exceptionally polite and attentive and asking no questions not related to the job at hand.

It would be nice to say on principle that I would refuse to give a lesson to both a member’s wife and his mistress on the same day, four hours apart, but the reality wasn’t that clear cut. The truth is, this happened many times, and in several flavors with more members than you might imagine. The first time, I considered every option from expressing my discomfort with the situation to begging off the lesson with a made-up scheduling excuse. Ultimately, I made the justification that is probably the same that people in the camps of prominent politicians, professional athletes or star actors make when it comes to staying quiet about some of the shady things they see. It wasn’t my business to police their behavior, and doing so would certainly be bad business. That client ended up booking more days like that, even ones where he would be on the course with his wife while I gave a lesson to his “friend” at the teaching area on the other side of the property. It was, to me, breathtakingly brazen. Recalling these episodes, what strikes me to this day is how totally non-stressed the member and his “friend” were. If you didn’t know anything, the lesson would have looked like any other. The woman was relaxed and focused (and a good athlete who hit the ball well right away). There was nothing anxious or surreptitious about it, and the member discussed it the same way he would the logistics surrounding getting his clubs regripped for a buddies golf trip. Just matter of fact.

What would it have accomplished to speak up? What would it have meant for me to be more invested in his behavior than he was? None of that would have changed anything about the situation except that he would have found somebody else to give the lessons. There’s also more to it than just losing the trust and coaching relationship with a person who might spend $10,000 with you on lessons home and away in a year. At these kinds of clubs, even a minor concern about your discretion and “professionalism” means your lesson book dries up almost instantly, and you then get the tap. The club will call in somebody else from the bullpen, but unlike Major League Baseball, you’re not going to be appearing in that stadium again in a few days. You’re looking for another job. Get sideways with the wrong member, and word doesn’t just travel inside that club but spreads like COVID through that member’s other clubs and the constellation of clubs his friends belong to.