Opening Day 2018

The Wanna-Be Baseball All-Stars' Opening Day lineup

March 29, 2018
Kurt Russell Practices with Vancouver Canadians
Christopher Morris - Corbis

No sport boasts a more famous group of outcasts and also-rans than baseball. Partly it's because you can look like the guy from down the street who hasn't washed his car in five years and still play it and partly because if you grew up after World War II and before the ruthless Canadian slaughter of America's Pastime in the early '90s, your hierarchy of childhood dream jobs was almost unquestionably 1. Astronaut, 2. Ballplayer, and 3. Movie Star.

So to celebrate baseball's mythological lineage of Famous Dudes Who Say They Can Hack it, as well as National Man Flu Awareness Day Opening Day, we decided to piece together the most star-studded semi-pro lineup that history has to offer. So without further ado, we present the Wanna-Be Baseball All-Stars, destined to lose 161 games and somehow still beat the Mets.

C - Miles Teller

Day Job: Actor with super punchable face as seen in Whiplash, Bleed For This, and War Dogs.

Actual Baseball Experience: Two-time participant in the MLB Celebrity Softball Game.

1B - Chuck Connors

Day Job: Square-jawed black-and-white TV star best known for his work on The Rifleman.

Actual Baseball Experience: Played over 60 games games for the Angels, Cubs, and Dodgers between 1949 and 1952.

2B - Kurt Russell

Michael Heiman

Day Job: Semi-retired action hero, full-time mom crush.

Actual Baseball Experience: Spent three season in the minors with the Los Angeles Angels from 1971-74, batting .292 with .380 OBP.

SS - Russell Wilson

Day Job: The only remaining player you can name on the Seattle Seahawks.

Actual Baseball Experience: Drafted by the Colorado Rockies in 2010. Played minor-league ball with the Tri-City Dust Devils and Asheville Tourists in 2010 and 2011 before making Spring Training appearances with the Texas Rangers and New York Yankees.

3B - George Clooney

Day Job: Most recognizable man on earth.

Actual Baseball Experience: Tried out for the Cincinnati Reds in 1977. Did not make the Cincinnati Reds in 1977.

LF - Nelly

Day Job: Late '90s hip-hop quantity.

Actual Baseball Experience: MVP of the 1992 St. Louis Amateur Baseball Association All-Star Game.

CF - John Elway

David Madison

Day Job: General Manager of the Denver Broncos.

Actual Baseball Experience: Stanford outfielder and Yankees draft pick. Played 1982 season for Class A Oneonta, hitting .318/.432/.464 with four home runs.

RF - Garth Brooks

Day Job: Former country western mega-star.

Actual Baseball Experience: Attended Padres Spring Training in 1999 and played an exhibition schedule with the New York Mets 2000, managing one hit in a combined 39 at-bats.

DH - M.C. Hammer

Day Job: Early '90s hip-hop quantity (and swishy-pants enthusiast).

Actual Baseball Experience: Bat boy/honorary executive vice president of the Oakland As.

P - Scott Patterson

Day Job: The guy who played Luke on Gilmore Girls.

Actual Baseball Experience: Pitched seven years in the minors, reaching Triple A in five seasons while racking up 63 wins.

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