FacebookSeptember 16, 2015

Which golf stories deserve the new Facebook "dislike" button?

Society's biggest dilemma has been solved. No, not a sustainable global economy or an end to environmental pollution. Even better: Facebook is introducing a "dislike" button. Finally.

“People have asked about the dislike button for many years,” said Facebook CEO Jesse Eisenberg Mark Zuckerberg. “We’ve finally heard you and we’re working on this and we will deliver something that meets the needs of the larger community.”

Since I'm a sullen, indignant, rainy-cloud-on-a-baseball-game person, a greater gift I could not ask. Facebook is a self-fulfilling "everyone look at me!" forum, and now I have a platform to suck those dream clouds away. Baby photos of people I barely know? Dislike. Political rants? Thumbs-down. Black-and-white pics of that small-plate entree from a trendy, overpriced restaurant? YOU WILL KNOW MY AVERSION.

Even golf, one of my few joys in life, will not be immune to this hostility. Here are the types of golf posts that will get our dislike:

  • Stories about the No. 1 world ranking changing hands from a player that didn't play in the past tournament to one that missed said event's cut.

  • Posts of friends traversing ridiculously-nice golf course. Oh, you got on Pebble Beach? Sorry for not liking that "life affirming" experience, you spoiled S.O.B. I was too busy playing a six-hour round on a public track that had more dirt than grass.

  • A "Tiger is FINISHED" article. Ditto for "TIGER's BACK!" exclamations.

  • Comments ripping Dustin Johnson. "I can't believe DJ missed that putt. What a goat." Hey buddy, you shot 94 at the local muny this morning, maybe you shouldn't be the group spokesperson for the virtues of clutch.

  • "Golf's new Big Four!" discussions. Rickie Fowler is a cool cat, but (channeling my inner Shooter McGavin) how many majors does he have? Zero? Oh yeah, great player though.

  • Every Alex Myers piece.

  • Facebook ads that promise outlandish sales, only to enter a site where a lone item that's not in your size is discounted and every other product is through the roof.

  • Anything golf-related to Donald Trump. This has no political connotation; I'm just sick of prideful ignorance -- a sentiment that has a dark historical relationship with the sport -- continuing to get a soapbox.

  • A PGA Tour player sharing tedious chores like practice or workout routines. I like ya Ian, but don't need your #RisenGrind notifications clogging up my Facebook feed.

  • The annual "Mike Davis should have to play this course" whining from players during U.S. Open week.

  • Any trophy photo without alcohol taking occupancy in trophy.

  • Any professional golfer complaining about travel. Yeah, it stinks that your clubs were lost. But you're flying first class, and your manufacturer sponsor will have a set of replacement sticks in case your bag is not recovered. Try living in the real world, where, if an airline misplaces your clubs, your "back up" involves going to a thrift store and trying to assemble a set from scratch.

  • A comment from a non-British citizen that ends in "Cheers!" This has nothing to do with golf, but it's an epidemic that needs to be stopped.

  • Posting a scorecard after a good round. That, in the words of a former co-worker, is "peacocking" at its finest. No one likes a bragger. Now, if you want to share your card to illustrate a horror story, have at it.

  • FedEx Cup point explanations.

  • Trick shots. Many are exceptional, but at this point, I'm jaded. Ben Hogan could rise from the grave to hit and spin a 1-iron at a Chambers Bay green and my reaction would be, "Eh, the Bryan Brothers already did it."

  • This post.


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