What Tiger Woods really means* in his latest statement (*We think. Maybe.)

March 13, 2015

On Friday afternoon, Tiger Woods announced he wouldn't play in next week's Arnold Palmer Invitational, a tournament he's won eight times. Did the decision leave you confused about what is going on with the 14-time major champion? Don't worry, we've examined his latest statement line by line and broken down taken a guess at what it all means:

I spoke to Arnold today and told him that I will not play in his tournament this year.

Translation: "Don't take it personal, Arnie. I didn't visit 'The Bear Trap,' either. My schedule is hectic with Lindsey's ski meets. Maybe next year. We can catch a Magic game as well."

I'm sorry I won't be in Orlando next week, but I know it will be a really successful event.

Translation: "I waited about as long as I could to make this announcement, so hopefully, Arnie still sold a lot of tickets. Speaking of tickets, last-minute flights to Orlando were a bit pricey."

I've put in a lot of time and work on my game and I'm making strides, but like I've said, I won't return to the PGA Tour until my game is tournament ready and I can compete at the highest level.

Translation: "I don't feel like shooting another 82 on national TV at this time." Side note: It's pretty frightening he doesn't feel comfortable playing at a course where he's won six more times than anyone else.

I hope to be ready for the Masters, and I will continue to work hard preparing for Augusta.

Translation: "I feel so helpless about my golf game that I might not even try to play in the year's first major. On a happier note, my new restaurant, The Woods Jupiter, is coming along nicely. If it's open by Masters week, you should come by because we will have some great specials."

I want to thank everyone again for their support.

Translation: "Please leave me alone, everyone. And a special thanks to Graeme McDowell. He's taught me a lot about the restaurant business."