If you were to ask us whether an app version of a whimsical 90s card game would alter the course of the universe this time last year, the answer would have been an emphatic “HERE’S SOME CHANGE, PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!” And yet here we are, 366 days later—celebrating the arrival of Pokémon Go like the Second Coming—and everything we thought we understood about existence on this giant spinning ball of dirt has changed.
Beyoncé is now a mom, a WWE Hall of Fame inductee is now president, and half the world has an adorable little stable of monsters living on their phone. It’s a new dawn for mankind, and on the horizon, Pokémon Go rises like a great orange egg. But before we crack it open and sup upon the glowing well of wisdom within, we must first revisit the original Pillars of Pokémania, passed down by our modern messiah one fateful year ago. Peace be with you, friends. May you one day catch them all.
Thou Shall Not Heed the Dangers of Traffic
A barreling city bus is no threat to those who follow The Path. Go forth—across hustling intersection or bustling interstate—and the divine wings of Charizard will ferry thee to safety.
Thou Shall Obey Thy Phone's Commandments
Thou may be hungry, thou may be cold. Thou may be tired, Thou may be old. But when the light of thy personal device shines down upon Mount Jigglypuff, thou is bound to climb until thou can climb no more.
Thou Shall Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Pokémon
And Go said unto man: A Pidgey in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Thou Shall Only Worship One Master
If thy boss—known servant of The Dark Lord—requests thee cease thy quest during office hours, cast off the mortal shackles of employment and ascend.
Thy Path to Enlightenment is Paved in Footsteps
To evolve thou must hatch, and to hatch thou must walk. There is but one path and one way to follow it. At its end lies the temple of Dr. Scholl’s Custom Fit Orthotic Insoles, where an eternity of comfort and confidence will bestowed upon the worthy [Skip This Ad >].
Thou Shall Not Delete
Though some have wavered, those who possess The True Sight have seen the future and know it to be bright. A utopia of Pokémon trading and player vs. player battles awaits, but when Catch Them Day comes, only the patient and the pure will be welcomed into the hallowed halls of Pokémania with stubby little cartoon arms.