Counting Sheep
May 14, 2020

Want to learn how to control your dreams? Jose Canseco is your guy

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Thearon W. Henderson

One of the interesting, unforeseen things to come out of this whole coronavirus mess are the dreams. As the COVID-19 pandemic has stretched on, scientists and regular idiots like you and me have noticed something fascinating: Our dreams are changing. In a recent “dream survey” conducted by Harvard assistant psychology professor Deirdre Leigh Barrett, participants noted an increase in vivid, intense, and, yes, generally unpleasant dreams. Bug dreams. Lethal injection dreams. Tidal waves. Snakes. Essentially, just run through the Seven Plagues of Egypt and you’ll hit a bunch of them.

Barrett suggests that the seismic shift in our general day-to-day routine has a lot to do with it. Not to mention the acute stress we all experience as the last roll of toilet paper slowly dwindles. Live a more vivid life, experience more vivid dreams. But what if we could control these dreams? What if we could turn our nightmares into fantasies and make the abnormal normal again? Well, while the Harvard egg heads are busy penning theses on the whats and the whys, Jose Canseco is already off taming humanity's newest frontier:

Dream control.

Wow Jose. Tell us more.

By the people, for the people. We dig.

First rule of dream control: Don’t talk about dream control.

Is anyone else starting to think Jose just smoked a bowl and watched ‘The Matrix’ last night?

That said, we really shouldn’t pick on the guy. First of all, on a day like today, when the biggest story in sports is Rory McIlroy needing a haircut, we need the Cansecos of the world to keep the lights on. Second of all, if you die in the dream “plain,” you don’t come back, so unless you want to spend the rest of eternity in a cockroach tsunami, you better listen to the man.