Yakety Sax

The Raptors and Celtics combined for the worst sequence of five-on-five basketball since dirt courts and peach baskets

February 12, 2021

Here at The Loop, we celebrate athletic triumphs of all shapes and sizes—from major championships down to minor-league dingers. No achievement is too big nor too small. But perhaps even more than the triumphs, we strive each and every day to find beauty in the f—k ups. The shanks. The gender reveals. The self-tackles. If it trips, stumbles, falls, or says something really stupid, we’re all over it like snow on a polar bear. Which of course brings us to this sequence of “professional” basketball between the Celtics and Raptors on Thursday night. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.

Now we’ve seen some bad basketball over the years, but nothing can hold a crap-scented candle to this absolute masterclass of whatever the opposite of a masterclass is. In a single 40-second sequence, there were six missed field goals, including FOUR missed layups and a bricked pull-up three, plus one block, one scrum, and probably like two or three uncalled fouls. By the time Brad Stephens calls timeout, he’s not doing it for his team. He’s doing it to save the game of basketball.

Adding even more deadpan energy to this debacle is the absence of fans were in the stands. Lucky for them, but to hear every squeak of the sneakers and clank of the rim while the Celtics broadcasters nod off onto their microphones only adds to the aura of incompetence. In fact, the only thing that could have made this any better, and by better we obviously mean worse, is if the stadium PA guy accidentally cued “Yakety Sax” halfway through.

In the end, the Celtics bested the Raptors 120-116, but I think we can all agree, the biggest loser on Thursday night wasn’t Toronto. It was us.