In Bucco We Trust
July 08, 2020

The Pittsburgh Pirates just got a VERY 2020 update to their logo

The year is 2020 CE. We have AI, electric cars, PlayStation graphics that look better than real life, and Dr. Pepper and cream soda in the same can. But while innovation burns on, an uncontrollable ouroboros of progress feeding on itself for energy, society has plunged back into the Dark Ages, brought to a grinding halt by a highly infectious contagion that spread from an isolated Chinese city to every country on the globe in a matter of months, killing hundreds of thousands in the process. This is the opening paragraph to an article about baseball, which is perhaps almost as quintessentially “2020” as the Pittsburgh Pirates' new logo, which looks like this . . .

And here's ol' pre-pandemic Bucco for reference . . .

As you can clearly see, Bucco has repurposed his traditional bandana as a face mask in an effort to remind people with no self-preservation instinct to please use the minimum amount of disease prevention precaution when entering crowded public areas. Not only is it good to see that Bucco still has a thick, luxurious head of hair at the age of 133, but also that concepts like "common sense" and "reality" remain well within his grasp.

Predictably, this has already pissed off a certain subset of people and will probably continue to until Darwinism kicks into high gear. “Sports and politics should remain separate!” shout those who enjoy a side of church with their state. “Wearing masks makes you sheeple!” bleat others from bullhorns amongst throngs of like-minded people. It’s all the stuff you’ve heard a million times over the past several months and we’re not even going to dignify it with an embed. You either have basic reasoning skills or you don’t, and if you don’t by now, that ship has sailed for Tahiti.

For those of you on the, er, fence about Bucco’s new look, however, check out this study by the New England Journal of Medicine on the amount of respiratory droplets a human being emits when saying a single phrase—in this case “Stay Healthy”—without a mask on versus with one. Illuminated with a 532 nm green laser and filmed on a standard iPhone 11, these screengrabs capture droplet density at the moment the phrase is spoken both with and without a facial covering (in the case of the study, a damp washcloth.)

Without Mask

With Mask

But we implore you: Do NOT take our word for it. Click the link above and check out the full video for yourself. If Bucco can’t convince you to do humanity a solid, perhaps science—or at the very least bright colors and flashing lights—will.