The Demise Of Western Civilization

The keg of Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing: Suck it, National Obesity Epidemic

November 8, 2017

With yesterday’s announcement that Tiffany’s basically wants to punch all of us in the face, America was due for some positive consumerist news, and sweet mother of Monsanto did our hideously gluttonous quote-fingers food industry deliver today! Between this and the Ric Flair movie, things are LOOKIN’ UP unless of course you’re a Republican in Virginia.

May I introduce you and your slowly choking arteries to a food website called Flavour Gallery, which is currently offering this very much real keg of Hidden Valley ranch dressing, or at least they were when I began writing this sentence. I can only imagine the site has died from traffic by now because 1. This keg has been making the internet rounds and 2. I keep hearing ambulances roar by. To recap: It’s a KEG OF RANCH DRESSING. You hear that, Hearts of America? Go back to Sweden, snowflakes, at least someone has the stones to fight back against your “National Obesity Epidemic.”

Now, full disclosure, the ranch keg is not a full keg, because life isn’t fair and because it’s exceedingly difficult to engineer a tap that can shoot out that much viscous goo without bursting into flame (science). Otherwise, unless you’re super into Miller Lite it’s basically the keg of your dreams: nearly 10 inches tall, 6.3 inches in diameter and, much like yourself, capable of holding 5 liters of ranch dressing at any given time. The site says that’s a full year’s supply of ranch dressing, people, but that depends on how many pizza rolls you eat at 2.a.m. (for some of us, it’s about six weeks, just saying).

The best part: It’ll only set you back $50, a more-than-fair figure that will take care of all your holiday catering needs, assuming you cater only with wings and Domino’s, while leaving enough in your savings account for all the stents.

“It ain’t a party until the Hidden Valley Ranch is flowin’,” says the site, which is a statement that has my full approval but, I don’t know, can we not say it like that. It sounds like my dad going on and on about ranch dressing, which already happens enough.

But what, you’re wondering with simmering panic, if I can’t eat five liters of ranch dressing before the expiration date? What if somehow I can’t power through two and a half Sprite bottles of viscous thick fat in a tub? Obviously Flavour Gallery has thought of that, and coated the inside with a special substance that keeps the ranch fresh in a keg and meets FDA specifications for keeping ranch fresh in a keg, and look I think we can trim some government spending but I am 100% behind the FDA’s Ranch Keg Division. Leave the State Department woefully understaffed or whatever, but keep the keg people WHERE THEY ARE.

Obviously, you can pre-order this keg now, but it won’t ship until Dec. 11, so it’ll be a race to see if it comes before your iPhone X. And Dec. 11, as you have probably divined, comes well before Dec. 25, which means I’m officially done Christmas shopping for all my nieces. But if your loved one isn’t interested in an oil barrel full of white creamy goo for some reason, the website also offers ranch-dressing based slippers, socks, T-shirts, iPhone cases, coozies and little portable baggies you can use to smuggle some into the hospital before you die.

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