Courses & TravelJune 6, 2008

The C.C. of Matty G.

I won the lottery (not really). I have an unlimited budget to build the C.C. of Matty G. (never going to happen). But if it did, here are the first five things I'd approve on the to-do list of my very own country club:

1-Fast greens

The farther I have to take the putter back, the greater the chance of me missing the putt.

2-Caddies with a legit single-digit handicap

Here's a crazy concept: People who know the game, play the game and especially play the course on a regular basis, make better caddies than the ones who don't. I like my caddie to be better at the game than me--which isn't asking much. If you're a retired guy with bad knees who's carrying bags once a week so you can get free golf, you're not doing it at my club. I'd rather carry a golf cart cart for 18 holes than have a bad caddie.

3-Salty bar snacks

I've destroyed the manliest of appetites by pawing bowls of salty beer snacks after a round of golf. "More snacks?" they ask. Goldfish, pretzels, anything that makes you want to lick your fertilizer-infested fingers. "Yes, please."

Which leads me into the next most important item on the menu (that is, until I get to No. 5) . . .

4-Blue cheese olives for a dirty martini

Forget shaken, not stirred. I like em cold, dirty, on the rocks and with three olives stuffed with blue cheese.



5-Conscientious and cute bar-cart girls

Is it me or has there been a significant drop-off in bar-cart girls in this country? When did smile, positive attitude and knuckle-biting looks leave town? Ashley (pictured) at Hunter's Creek in Orlando is a dying breed. She got to our group six times a side. It was as though she had a twin (which would be too good to be true). And in an amazing display of bar-cart courage, she tried chasing down two high school kids stealing practice balls from the driving range. Dumb kids. If they had been smart they would've slowed down and taken their punishment.

Any list spurs debate.

Blair (Weeman) Leburn of our sales staff has played golf all over the world. He had some thoughts on this subject.

At the C.C. of Leburn there would be:

  1. A great barman (or woman)

  2. A great logo

  3. A great showerhead

  4. A great porch outside the bar overlooking the 18th green

  5. $2 beer (not draft . . . must be bottle)

Sweet swinging Bruce Taylor, Godfather of our West Coast bureau, notes the C.C. of B.T. would feature:

  1. Single digits only

  2. Walking only, except after 4 p.m. for emergency nines

  3. Chinese foot-massage therapists on staff 24/7

  4. A fluffy leather couch with matching chairs, 60-inch flat-screen TVs, wood-burning (preferably cedar) fireplace in men's-only grillroom.

  5. A great cheeseburger (bun must be fresh)

I call a good friend who works for TMax Gear the human blur. You can't keep up with Greg Hemphill's tee shots, and you simply can't keep up with him. The C.C. of Hempy chimed in:

  1. A great short-game/putting-green practice area

  2. Great greens

  3. A men's grill with the atmosphere of "Cheers" and flatscreens displaying nothing but sports—EVER!

  4. Quality grub at the turn

  5. Fun guys (I don't care about handicaps, I want guys I can hang with and laugh with)

Rick Hall, another member of the sales staff and editor of the website, The Best In Golf, offers the best things at the C.C. of the B.I.G.:

  1. Floor-to-ceiling stone fireplace in men's grill

  2. Wasabi peas in a large crystal goblet on every table

  3. Martini glasses kept at 0 degrees

  4. Manners, not rules

  5. (And most important) . . . Large shade tree on driving range under which a small, hand-painted green sign stating "Reserved For Friends of Rick"

What are the five featured items at your C.C.?

--Matty G.

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