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Super Bowl 2020: Ranking the 10 biggest jackasses at your Super Bowl party

January 27, 2020
Disappointed football fans at home. Debica, Poland
Anna Bizon

Ah, the Super Bowl. That one fateful evening each year when friends and foes set aside their differences and come together to celebrate the resurrection of football after an aching two-week absence. Over the generations, this humble pilgrimage has become known as the “Super Bowl Party,” a night of revelry, camaraderie, and, if you’re unlucky enough to share it with one of these rag-tag characters, untold suffering. So without further ado, we present the 10 biggest jackasses at your Super Bowl party. RSVP wisely, football fans.

THE PARIAHS

The Host

Doesn’t have cable, but don’t worry, they managed to get an Icelandic broadcast coming in pretty good on the ol’ Roku. Has a rare disorder that compels them to be surrounded by friends and family for all of life’s special occasions. Will be scrubbing hummus out of the shag carpeting until the Draft. The lowest sentient creature in the Super Bowl caste system.

The Noob

The noob can be anyone . . . and by anyone we mean your friend’s foreign exchange student friend, who asks questions like “They’re allowed to touch it with their hands?” in a charming accent for four interminable hours. If you get stuck next to them on the couch, remember that patience is a virtue and homicide is punishable by life in prison.

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THE ALSO-RANS

The Guac Hog

This specimen is just here for the free snacks. They can be found hovering near the spread, pockets full of baby carrots, mumbling “That’s sooo funny” to whoever’s trying to talk to them while never breaking eye contact with the kitchen. Chews with their mouth open, has consumed a blue-ribbon sow’s worth of charcuterie, and just asked if there was a push notification for dessert.

The Person Who is Way Too Hype For the Halftime Show

The worst part of the Super Bowl broadcast by some margin, never trust a person who doesn’t visit the facilities at halftime (for starters, there’s probably some adult diaper situation going on there.) These people think E News! is the actual news, know Lizzo’s blood type by heart just in case, and can tell the Jonas Brothers apart. Keep your distance and you should be fine.

THE GAMERS

The Gambler

See the person sitting on yours kid's rocking horse 12-inches from the TV screen sweating like they just did drugs in the bathroom? That’s The Gambler and, spoiler alert, they just did drugs in the bathroom. Prone to random outbursts of profanity, thinks Uncut Gems was a documentary, and just tried to bet you he can eat more Tostitos Scoops than your dog.

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The Dog

Just ate a bunch of Tostitos Scoops and won't stop farting. Now it’s 4th and goal from the eight with a minute left and Fido will not wait another second to go outside and relieve himself on your sneaker. Guess who wins? Not you, that’s who.

The Commercial Talker

So how are the kids, they ask, completely oblivious to the fact you’re trying to watch a half-robot baby on a unicorn inhale a bag of Doritos while “Rock You Like a Hurricane” blares from the surround sound. This person’s utter disregard for other human life makes them a powerful threat to the Super Bowl ecosystem.

THE GOATs

The Agnostic

Can be found ironically yelling “YAY, SPORTSBALLl!” from a dimly lit corner somewhere behind the couch. 50/50 chance they brought a book to read. While The Agnostic’s behavior can seem like an act of aggression, it stems from a deep sense of self-loathing and should not be taken personally.

The Romo Wanna-Be

Shouts “Play action!” every third play and “Blitz!” every four. Still thinks Pete Carroll throwing it from the two was “Technically the right call.” Will probably be wearing that Rob Lowe NFL hat.

The Patriots Fan

There’s always one. They are the king of Super Bowl Sunday—basking in the statement chair, sock-holed feet on the ottoman, bedecked in the robes of the great Chris Hogan. They are not liked, but they are feared. Even when the Patriots don’t make the Super Bowl, the palpable relief from the rest of the roomstill constitutes a victory for them. Smugly refreshes the Barstool Twitter feed every 20 seconds. Thinks Trump is good for the economy. Leaves early after urinating in one of the house plants.

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