Monday Superlatives
March 30, 2020

Sports is just funny Twitter videos now, but the videos are good

Screen Shot 2020-03-30 at 9.58.47 AM.png

Screen Shot 2020-03-30 at 9.58.47 AM.png

As any employee or freelancer working on the sports side of digital media understands, the content must go on, even as the main content—sports itself, or at least the kind we care about—has stopped. Luckily, the world at large seems to understand that principle as well, and the at-home quarantine content, while not quite as satisfying as watching Giannis Antetokounmpo dunk from half court after two steps, or Brooks Koepka blasting a drive 400 yards at Augusta, has been pretty friggin' good.

I'd like to start with MaxIsNice, who has released two absolutely delightful basketball impression videos. First, there's LeBron and Anthony Davis, and...well, watch:

The body movement by the dude impersonating LeBron (Max, probably?) is spot-on, from the almost compulsive hand-t0-mouth tic to the wide bow-legged backwards run after a jumper. Now watch the same guys do Magic and Kareem:

Everything about this is hysterical, from Magic's constant smile to Kareem's inability to take any shot, even a free throw, without making it a four-step hook shot. Also, shout-out to the two friends doing the yeoman's work of playing straight-men defenders as the stars go to work.

Let's move now to the arena of announcing, where Nick Heath, who is apparently a rugby announcer when he's not self-distancing, has taken it upon himself to use his skills for some, um...alternative sports. First, "keepy-uppy":

"She hasn't enhanced her reputation" slayed me. Next, dogging:

Finally, my favorite, the Crossroad Dash:

This was a perfect Twitter video, and when he said "three titles in three days!", implying that he's spent at least the past 72 hours watching people cross the street, it became legendary. Take a lap of "honour," Nick Heath.

It even inspired Joe Buck to get in on the act, and while he's not nearly as funny as Heath, I appreciate the effort, and I also appreciate the very good form of these basement tennis kids:

Next, whatever the hell this is...well, I'm counting it as a sport, because it's hilarious and amazing and involved the destruction of a laptop, I think:

Nor can we forget the more obscure sports, like dance:

I'm semi-sorry for making you watch that, but I had to, and what's quarantine life without paying it forward?

In fact, a unique part of the Great Quarantine is that it broadens our definition of what "sport" really is. In the following video, the main character does something very funny, at least slightly athletic, and she's wearing an Ohio State shirt. Do I count it? Folks, I count it.

Finally, since this is Golf Digest, here's the best golf content I've found...and it comes from a soccer star. The stars of actual golf have really let us down:

The Most Frightening But Awesome Workout Video of the Week: Cam Newton

In my rational moments, I have no idea if Cam Newton can be a good-to-great NFL quarterback again, but based on this workout video, I'm willing to be all my money that he ends up with more Super Bowls than Brady:

The combination of him being a very physically impressive dude, the music, and the "all I do is work!" theme got to me. It makes me want to do a crazy hard workout, and while I will inevitably order Indian takeout and get fatter tonight, it's nice to have the feeling of wanting to do better, just for a moment. Thank you, Cam.

The Tyrant Who Has Just Increased Its Power of the Week: The NFL

One of the terrible tertiary effects of sports being canceled is that it has given radio hosts, ESPN, and various other media an excuse to do what they want to do anyway: Talk endlessly about the NFL, even when the NFL isn't in season. If this were a normal year, we'd be at the tail end of March Madness, celebrating the start of the baseball season, and gearing up for the NHL and NBA playoffs. The French Open would be just around the corner, and so would the Masters. Instead, with nothing better to do, the discourse has shifted to where it inevitably shifts, and that's the NFL. The timing of this particular pandemic was terrible for almost every sport, but for now, nothing has really changed in the NFL, so our focus naturally drifts to the biggest sport in the country. In terms of fan interest, it's a case of the rich getting richer.

The Best/Stupidest Idea of the Month: This Reddit Guy

I can't find the tweet that introduced this to me, so apologies to whoever dug it up in the first place, but this Reddit NBA post is brilliant in the simplicity of the question it asks: "Could an Owner theoretically marry a player to circumvent the cap?"

I mean, clearly if this became a widespread phenomenon, Adam Silver would institute a rule against it (right?), but if they pulled a fast one, I bet they could get away with it the first time. As the user pointed out, Bucks owner Wes Edens could sign Giannis for the minimum, watch as everyone reacted in shock, and then marry him at the courthouse and share his millions. Realistically, I don't think the NBA could do anything about it, which is why it's such a brilliant idea. And this is what happens when sports fans are forced to sit around their homes all day just thinking of things. Weird times.