Go Birds
September 14, 2020

It’s Week 1 and Philadelphia Eagles fans are already burning their jerseys

The Philadelphia Eagles bought A LOT of street cred with their incredible postseason run back in 2018, taking down Tom Brady with a backup quarterback while the Linc faithful scaled Crisco-greased stoplights like lemurs. It was a win for the ages, but it also saddled the franchise with a completely unrealistic set of expectations. Fans and analysts alike projected a new dynasty—a new powerhouse in a floundering NFC East—but the reality has been very different. The Eagles just haven’t been a very good football team since that Super Bowl victory. The roster has been mismanaged. Injuries have crippled entire skill positions. They snuck into the playoffs last year after starting 5-7, but that was due more to the crappiness of the Dallas Cowboys than their own non-crappiness.

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But with a new football season, comes the renewal of the same set of delusions, and the Philadelphia Eagles once again kicked off on Sunday with the expectation that they would steamroll the hapless Washington Football Team and continue on to NFC East contention. For a moment everything seemed to be going to script. Midway through the second quarter, the Eagles led 17-0. Then they spectacularly imploded. Carson Wentz was sacked eight times. Washington scored 27 unanswered. It was as brutal a loss as you can have on opening weekend (our thoughts are with Cincinnati as well), and as you’ve probably already guessed, Eagles fans—a notoriously level-headed bunch—took things in stride.

Just kidding. They didn’t. They really didn’t.

To be fair, this is probably just one asshole burning an old Nnamdi Asomugha jersey for the clicks. The thing about Eagles fans, however, is that they’re the world’s foremost collection of that one asshole. If you think this was the only mesh pro shop barbecue happening in Eastern PA on Sunday, you are sadly mistaken.

Where the Eagles go from here is anybody’s guess. Probably back to the same old well, grinding out close wins over equally dysfunctional teams until maybe, just maybe Alshon Jeffrey can get back on the field. Until then, grab the fire extinguisher and water your lawn. If not, Pennsylvania could be burning like California by next Sunday.