Mark Walhberg is not like you or me, mostly because neither of us owns a hamburger chain with a clever pun title (unless your name is Wendy). He’s also 2017’s highest-paid actor, mostly thanks to his industry-revitalizing work in films like “Mel Gibson’s Home 2” and “Transformers 19.” Sure, the star of “Deepwater Horizon” — yes, the “Deepwater Horizon” — naturally enjoys access to a lot of things we don’t, like fancy trainers, cutting-edge equipment and all the burgers he could theoretically eat. But there’s still something dispiritingly about the workout routine that he recently shared in an Instagram post in one of the apparently rare moments he’s not waking in the dark, lifting metal objects or … snarfing down multiple turkey burgers in one sitting? Whatever man, the abs justify the means.
You can read Wahlberg’s entire nightmare scenario here, after which you can go through the stages of mourning: feeling bad about the yawning gap that used to contain your workout routines, then feel better that you maintain an appropriate balance between work and life, then feel bad that you don’t make $28 million to act scared in front of talking robot dinosaurs, then feel better that you missed whichever movie that was anyway, then tire of this entire exercise and plan a round of golf, which you’re playing FAR TOO SLOWLY, but more on that later.
But before you do, please help us answer a few of these very important questions that came up for us after reading this lunacy:
So, OK: Wahlberg rises every day at 2:30 in the morning, setting aside a half-hour for prayers. Aside from the hour, fine, great. Breakfast, aside from taking place at 3:15 a.m., is also a reasonably standard endeavor that features steel oats, blueberries and peanut butter. And then there’s a 95-minute workout, which again is something that lots of people do in the morning! Frankly, everything seems pretty on the level until this: “Then I have a protein shake, three turkey burgers, five pieces of sweet potato at about 5:30 in the morning and…”
OK LET US STOP YOU RIGHT THERE, FUNKYBUNCH. Readers: Which part of that stands out most to you? The three turkey burgers? The five pieces of sweet potato? The 5:30 in the morning? The turkey burgers at 5:30 in the morning? The THREE TURKEY BURGERS? The dropping all that faux-meat atop what probably was a McDonald’s vat-sized dollop of shake? You’ve seen what Wahlberg’s torso looks like. frankly we have no idea how he fits that much food in there at all. Also no one can eat three turkey burgers. Most people have trouble finishing one.
Wahlberg has clarified that his schedule next allows for 90 minutes of golf between 7:30-9 a.m. with an 8 a.m. snack on the course.* In an informal poll ofGolf Digest associates, zero percent of us remembered the last time we played 18 holes in 90 minutes. Zero percent of us remembered the last time we played mini-golf in 90 minutes, because many of us have children, and breaks for the bathroom, water fountains and retrieving clubs from the waterfall takes like 20 minutes alone.
But FINE, let’s allow that Wahlberg goes to fancy-person golf courses at which he can tee off at precisely 7:30, encounter no traffic, employ a super-powered diesel cart with a max speed of 80 mph and not have to deal with other jerks. Is that fun? Is that relaxing? Maybe it makes you forget about the Transformers with Ultron in it.
Golf is followed by “cryo chamber recovery,” which is basically when absurdly compensated athletes/actors/oil barons/Paul McCartney band members speed up recovery by touching their muscles to Ted Williams’s head. You can’t do it, which is why you miserably groan when you get out of bed in the morning.
Here is the rest of Wahlberg’s daily diet. At 10:30, he says, “I have a grilled chicken salad with two hard-boiled eggs, olives, avocado, cucumber, tomato, lettuce. Then at 1 o'clock I have a New York steak with green peppers. At 3.30 pm, I have grilled chicken with bok choi. At 5.30/6 o'clock, I have a beautiful piece of halibut or cod or a sea bass, with some vegetables, maybe some sautee potatoes and bok choi. And I have a lot of Aquahydrate during the day. That's it." But that’s it. Just the steak and chicken and halibut and bok choi and basically an entire turkey.” That is IT. I would expect this from John Lithgow, but not him.
Wahlberg goes to bed at 7:30 p.m, but says that getting up early leaves plenty of family time. "Most of the time I get to work out and do all my stuff while my family's asleep - especially on the weekends," he said. "By the time I've gotten up, worked out, done all my stuff, played golf, the kids are just waking up and my wife's sleeping in, so it works out good.” The kids are … up by 9 a.m.? The hell with his workout secrets, I need this man to teach my kids how to sleep.