No Mo Flow
November 18, 2020

BREAKING NEWS BULLETIN: Justin Herbert got a haircut

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Mark Brown

Let me tell you about this dude named Samson. Samson was pretty much an Old Testament Hercules with some incredible flow. He had Avengers strength and once slayed an entire army of Philistines with the jawbone of a donkey. True story. Anyway, Samson falls for this chick Delilah, who turns out to be Philistine sleeper cell. They cut off those aforementioned locks, which, as it turns out, are the source of his power, and put him to work grinding grain 24 hours a day at some mill in Gaza. Not an ideally situation for Sammy, but he eventually gets out of the jam with some help from the boss man upstairs.

We bring all this up, not because The Loop is pivoting to faith-based programming, but because NFL Twitter exploded on Wednesday afternoon as it watched almost exactly the same scenario play out with one its bright young stars. Ladies and gentleman, behold the new Justin Herbert.

The internet, as you've probably already surmised, was kind of mean about this.

But in all seriousness, have you ever seen a kid go hero to zero so fast? One second, you’re balling out, tossing 19 touchdowns and just six interceptions during your rookie season, and the next, you’re 12 years old, eating pizza rolls, wondering why no one watches your Tik Toks. Seriously, it’s like the Curious Case of Benjamin Button over at SoFi right now (the kid is aging backward, in case you’re obscure referenced out).

But don’t worry, Justin. The great thing about hair is that it grows back. Pretty soon you’ll be back on your feet ready to show those Philistines, er, Kansas City Chiefs just what you’re made of. Until then, maybe try a hat . . .