Time for my annual quiz
1. The color of Tiger Woods' newest goatee is:
(a) burnt orange.
(b) mauve.
(c) fuchsia.
2. After changing its name to the Champions Tour, the senior tour has become more popular than:
(a) the Red Death.
(b) the Black Death.
(c) the bird flu.
3. If today's golf ball and club-making technology don't make that much difference in distance, how come every bent-over, tubercular, 84-year-old man with two bad hips can hit a tee shot:
(a) 85 yards past me.
(b) 105 yards past me.
(c) 157 yards past me.
4. Cialis is:
(a) a skin disease.
(b) a Western Open.
(c) an island in the Lesser Antilles.
5. Tiger Woods' latest hair color is:
(a) apricot.
(b) damask.
(c) aquamarine.
6. After years of trying, the Presidents Cup has finally become a bigger sports attraction than:
(a) the Super Bowl.
(b) the World Series.
(c) the annual football game between Hobart and Rensselaer.
7. In another time and another place, Steve Williams would have been the perfect caddie for:
(a) John Dillinger.
(b) Machine Gun Kelly.
(c) Clyde Barrow and Bonnie Parker.
8. FBR is:
(a) a sponsor on the PGA Tour.
(b) a federal agency devoted to fighting crime.
(c) the 32nd President of the United States.
9. The winner of the all-important Tour Championship was:
(a) Bart Bryant.
(b) Brad Bryant.
(c) Bear Bryant.
10. When Greg Norman turned 50:
(a) he tripped over his hair.
(b) he got a haircut.
(c) his birthday cake finished runner-up to the salad.
11. Tom Lehman figures to be a better Ryder Cup captain than:
(a) Captain Bligh.
(b) Captain Queeg.
(c) Captain Sutton.
12. When Tim Finchem puts into effect his bold plan for a NASCAR-like finish to the golf tour:
(a) John Daly will wear 57 decals.
(b) Tiger Woods will change his name to "Bubba."
(c) the thrilling end-of-the season tournament will be called the Redneck Classic.
13. In her professional debut, Michelle Wie:
(a) was asked out on a date by a writer from Sports Illustrated.
(b) shared an ice-cream sundae with a writer from Sports Illustrated.
(c) got lectured on morality and integrity by a writer from Sports Illustrated who discovered that he couldn't sleep well at night until he saved her soul.
14. Although Retief Goosen finished 195th on the tour in fourth-round putting last year, in usable quotes he ranked:
(a) 238th.
(b) 457th.
(c) 693rd.
15. When David Duval tied for seventh at a tournament in Japan late last year, he said:
(a) "What is the exact role of golf in today's society?"
(b) "Who am I, really?"
(c) "What did I just do? I can't see through these glasses."
16. When Jack Nicklaus retired from major championships, the first thought that came to a few of us was:
(a) He'll never catch Arnold Palmer in farewells.
(b) He has a chance to catch Arnold Palmer in farewells.
(c) He can tie Arnold Palmer in farewells.
17. No 20-something has risen to challenge Tiger Woods these days because:
(a) it's just as easy to get rich finishing 15th every week.
(b) he might have to talk to a golf writer someday.
(c) he's already married to a blonde.