After the Honeymoon

By Dan Jenkins Illustrations by Gary Locke
June 25, 2007

The Touring Pro and his Young Blond Wife are in their second year of marriage. Like many celebrities, they tape and record everything they do. It gives them something interesting to look at and listen to when they're not playing video games.

This conversation was leaked to me by the nurse of a cousin of an uncle of a friend of a sports agent's psychologist. It occurred in their quaint 55,000-square-foot home in Florida, the garage of which is currently being remodeled to accommodate 37 more antique sports cars.

"Honey, I'm home."

"Where have you been? We were supposed to go to the mall today."

"I had to play golf."


"It was important."

"So was the mall."

"I know. I was hoping to get back in time to go with you, but I made a bogey at the 12th, which slowed me down, and then we ran into some rough weather over Chicago."

"We can go to the mall tomorrow."

"Gee ... "

"What? I don't like that look."

"I have to play again tomorrow."

"You're kidding?"

"I'm leading the tournament. Tomorrow's the last round."


"I have to be there."

"No you don't. Call them up and tell them you have something more important to do. Tell them to give you whatever score you need. They'll understand."

"It doesn't work that way, honey."

"Well, surely they don't want anybody else to win their tournament. Some nobody person."

"Don't you want me to keep on making money? So we can buy all those countries we've talked about?"

"We already have Milan, Sweden, London and Nassau. Those are the only countries I wanted."

"We'll talk about it later. Want to play a video game?"

"Which one?"

"How about Nazis and Indy Cars?"

"I like Cowboys and Arabs better."

"You do?"

"See? We can't agree on anything anymore. It's like this stupid old golf tournament you're in."

"The reason it's important, sweetheart, is because it's a major."

"Major, major, major! If I hear that word one more time! You say major more than you say any other word, even taco!"

"It's because I'm getting close."

"Close to what?"

"Close to winning the most majors of anyone in history, then I can retire and we can go to the mall all the time."

"Well, what's the stupid record?"

"Nicklaus won 20."

"Nick who?"

"Jack Nicklaus. He won the Masters six times, four Opens ... "

"Oh, please. Spare me the details. Was this Nick Jack somebody married?"

"Yes, he was."

"Gee, I'll bet that chick had a swell life."

"You haven't asked about my round today, honey."

"OK, let's get it over with. The first hole was what?"

"It's a par 4, 469 yards. Slight dogleg. I went with the 2-iron off the tee. Took it over the big trees on the right, and ... "

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