June 25, 2007

Looking for Love

Tiger's proposal prompts a spike in golf personals.

LOOK INTO MY SOUL

Single white male, 58, hazel eyes, nonsmoker, Sagittarius, likes walks in the woods bordering long par 5s, sitting peacefully by water hazards, watching the sifting sands in bunkers, smelling the roses adjacent to out-of-bounds stakes, the simple yet meaningful things in life. Seeks long-haired blonde, 42-50, with knowledge of Walter Hagen, country club membership, has her own car.

LET'S CONQUER THE WORLD

Single white male, 47, five times married (I'm upfront about it), smoker, drinker, white '98 Cadillac, gold Rolex, Vegas, Reno, Atlantic City, Biloxi, Shreveport, carries a 16 but plays to a 4. Seeks Britney Spears look-alike for traveling companion and shill.

I'LL LIGHT YOUR FIRE

Widowed right-hander, 74, sucker for nostalgia, likes flea markets, antiquing, yard sales. Seeks active lady, 65-72 age range, 139-150 weight range. Feels that together we can enjoy the sunset years trying to track down mint-condition cleeks and rut irons.

MR. WONDERFUL IS IN THE BUILDING

Recently divorced male, low-handicapper, 32, good build, 334 driving average, tans easily, can go with Callaway or Nike, your choice. Seeks gorgeous blonde Swedish model, 23 or younger, who would enjoy visiting South Africa and getting married in a game park while the rhinos bathe in a nearby river and impala romp through the fields. Promise not to putt on carpet during quality time at home.

A RARE FIND

Widower, 73, keen mind, loves the game, owns original set of Bobby Jones Spalding irons. And look out, here comes the Answer Man. Know who Johnny Revolta beat in the PGA final at Twin Hills in Oklahoma City in '35? Tommy Armour, that's who. Know who designed Twin Hills? Perry Maxwell. Know how many British Opens Dai Rees was runner-up in? Three. Know who beat him? Just Ben Hogan, Peter Thomson and Arnold Palmer, that's all. Know what president of the United States was a bigger golf nut than Ike? Warren G. Harding. Gimme a call, girl. We'll have some fun.

SPICE MAN TO THE RESCUE

Single stud, 21, drives it a mile, plans to win several majors. Seeks gorgeous blonde Swedish model, 23 or younger, who would like to get married on safari while killing wild animals in our spare time. Might putt on carpet sometimes while you're looking at magazines.

YOUNG AT HEART

Single lady, 54, eye-catching redhead, 125, natural curves, seeks long-hitting young man, 27 or under, touted as future winner of many majors, who desires to stroll hand-in-hand along exotic path amid wild animals in South Africa and propose marriage.

THE FUTURE CAN BE OURS

Single mom, 25, Libra, full of energy, lettered three years in college, plays to a 6 now. Seeks husband who wants to help me raise Little Champ. He's only 5, but he already knows the overlapping grip and can bust it down the driveway and sometimes over the security gate. He looks like a sure winner. In only a few years he could be our Franchise. Come on along!

I'LL TIE YOUR KNOT

Ordained minister, 71, carries own bag. I'd be honored to perform the wedding ceremony over in South Africa for the young stud and the Swedish model. Expenses paid, of course, and I guess you won't mind if I bring my mallets.

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