June 25, 2007

And now we present the XGA

XGA Golf: Where intimidation and physical distractions are par for the course

'Wow, what a lick that was on Hyena Harry Cobb's knee, compliments of Big 'Un Murcer. Big 'Un took a full backswing with his bubble-head driver and caught Hyena Harry right on the kneecap.

"Good thing Hyena Harry wore his kneepads today. We'll wait a moment now to see if he can recover from that blow in the allotted 30 seconds. See if he'll be able to hit his approach shot to the first green with Big 'Un trying to bite his ankle.

"Hi, everyone, I'm Happy Belter, and welcome to the first live telecast of XGA Golf, the tour that puts excitement back in the game. If you're looking for plumb bobs, tap-ins, and ball-marking, you're on the wrong channel, folks.

"No contestant in our game throws grass up in the air to check the wind. No, sir. They throw players up in the air. Right, Booger Red?

"Let me bring in my good friend and color analyst—actually one of the founders of the XGA—Booger Red McDuff. Tell us what the X stands for, Booger Red."

"It don't stand for nothin'."

"Xanadu, Xerox ... something like that?"

"Naw, it's just a letter. Like in XFL."

"Never knew it till this minute, Booger Red. Live and learn."

"It don't have to mean nothin', does it?"

"Not in the least, Top Guy."

"I say it don't have to mean nothin', it don't mean nothin'."

"Exactly."

"I say it means something, we fix it."

"You bet you do, good buddy."

"Who's this Xanadu creep? Some guy tryin' to horn in?"

"Manner of speech, Top Guy. Nothing more."

"Some guy tries to horn in, you let me know, OK?"

"You'll be the first to know, Booger Red."

"It's just a letter, the X. I say we make that clear. The G and the A, I think everybody gets. 'G' for golf, not groceries. 'A' for association, not ... "

"Will do, Topper. Right now, let's talk about our two contestants today. I see they're both on their feet and running toward the first green. You know Hyena Harry Cobb and Big 'Un Murcer pretty well, I understand."

"Couple of fun guys. Hyena Harry's got the voice can rattle you on the greens. Makes what he thinks are hyena sounds when you're tryin' to sink a crucial putt. As you know, our rules say you can't physically touch nobody on the greens, but you can holler, spit, sneeze and slobber."

"Glad you pointed that out, Boog. Unless I miss my guess, Hyena Harry's hollering is going to play a big part in deciding this match. Tell us a little something about Big 'Un Murcer."

"He can be annoying with his leg bites. That's all you need to know."

"But he landed a good blow on Hyena Harry's knee. Right there on the first tee. With that swing he took with his driver."

"Lucky punch. Guys usually are ready, jump out of the way. Too bad Hyena Harry was on his cell phone."

"I understand Hyena Harry throws a good javelin."

"Best I ever seen with a 2-iron."

"Accurate, I gather."

"I'll just say this. Big 'Un's gonna find out how accurate Harry is if Harry gets more than 2 down on the back nine."

"What will we see, exactly?"

"You'll see Harry let Big 'Un get about 50 yards ahead of him in the fairway. You'll see Harry go shish with the 2-iron. Sail it through the air, hear the sound. Then you'll hear it go foomp—kind of like that—when it hits Big 'Un between the shoulder blades."

"Anyone ever been seriously injured by Hyena Harry's javelin?"

"Not since I founded the XGA. The X only being a letter."

"And nothing serious before then, I take it."

"Just the two guys who got killed in California."

"Fine. Hey, I see we have action around the green now. Tell our viewers what's going on, Booger Red."

"OK, here we go. Hyena Harry's ball is not on the green—he's putting from the fringe. Under XGA rules, this allows Big 'Un to create whatever kind of physical distraction he chooses. Obviously, in this case, he's choosing to lay down on his side and gnaw on Harry's ankle. It'll be interesting to watch what happens, but now I got some jerk in my ear tellin' me we gotta go to commercial. Who's our sponsor again? Imodium?"

"Right you are, Top Guy. Back after this, friends."