The Loop

The Loop

In honor of Tom Brady's new book, how many of these athlete autobiography titles are real?

July 07, 2017

In his forthcoming book, The TB12 Method: How to Achieve a Lifetime of Sustained Peak Performance, sustained peak author Tom Brady achieves the feat of shoving 350 sustained peak clichés into a single colon-separated title, an impressive feat that still somehow leaves us feeling deflated. Yet Brady is hardly alone in the field of uproariously over-the-top sports autobiography titles. This, of course, makes sense — if you’re trying to command the attention of a midlife sports dad at the bookstore, you need to puff yourself up pretty hard. (Ed. Note: Bookstores are no longer achieving sustained peak performance, someone have Brady call them.) But some are too nutty to be real. As such, some of the following are legit sports autobiographies, and the rest are titles we made up using words about war and perseverance and crawling back from the abyss or whatever. See if you can tell which are which:

· It’s Not About the Bike: My Journey Back to Life, Lance Armstrong

· My Life In and Out of the Rough, John Daly

· Lucky Bastard, Joe Buck

· Seriously Lucky Bastard, Alex Rodriguez

· Galactically Lucky Bastard, Rob Gronkowski

· The Phenomenon: Pressure, the Yips and the Pitch that Changed My Life, Rick Ankiel

· Ocho Cinco: What Football and Life Have Thrown My Way, Chad Ochocinco

· Survivalism: How I Got Through What I Pretty Much Threw Right at Myself, Michael Vick

· Catch This! Going Deep With the NFL's Sharpest Weapon, Terrell Owens

· Shut Up, I’m Talking, LaVar Ball

· Zen Master: How Reaching Out to Touch the Invisible Universal Threads that Bind Us All Made Me a Better Basketball Man, Phil Jackson

· Ben Hogan’s Five Lessons, Ben Hogan

· Rickie Fowler’s 148 Lessons, Rickie Fowler

· Fastballs and Pajamas: The Enlightened Man’s Guide to Managing World Series Baseball Teams in Footies, Joe Maddon

· The Total Package: How to Get Ripped, Jacked and Swole While Also Being Extremely Handsome, Cristiano Ronaldo

· Loose Balls: Easy Money, Hard Fouls, Cheap Laughs, and True Love in the NBA, Jayson Williams

· Veeck as in Wreck, Bill Veeck

· Toughness: Developing True Strength on and Off the Court, Jay Bilas

· Scandal-Less: Maintaining True Strength in a Constant Stream of Lawsuits, Rick Pitino

· Paul-verty: How I Handed Over Paul George for Two 7th Graders and a Box of Skittles, Kevin Pritchard

· Shaken: Discovering Your True Identity in the Midst of Life’s Storms, Tim Tebow

· Furious George: My Forty Years Surviving NBA Divas, Clueless GMs, and Poor Shot Selection, George Karl

· Scowl Power: How to Build an Enduring Yankee Franchise Without Feeling Any Positive Emotions, Joe Torre

· Untitled Tell-All Memoir You Know You Are All Going to Devour as Fast as Possible, Tiger Woods

· No Limits: The Will to Succeed Even if You Don’t Basically Possess the Body of a Spinner Dolphin, Michael Phelps

· Coming Back Stronger: Unleashing the Hidden Power of Adversity, Drew Brees

· House of Nails: A Memoir of Life on the Edge, Lenny Dykstra

· Wake Up Happy: The Dream Big, Win Big Guide to Transforming Your Life, Michael Strahan

· Wake Up Somewhere: The Gronk Approach to Sustained Peak Jell-O Shots, Rob Gronkowski

· They Called Me God: The Best Umpire Who Ever Lived, Doug Harvey

· I Feel Like Going On: Life Game, and Glory, Ray Lewis

· Yep, Still Not In, Pete Rose