Football Is Cookin'
August 03, 2020

If you thought you bought a bunch of dumb sh*t during quarantine, don't worry, The Rock just bought the XFL

Gotta hand it to 2020. Just when you thought it had served up it’s last underhand Nick Kyrgios serve, it comes back with another sneaky set point. But this time, for the first time, we are pleased to report that the new news is actually good news, as Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, in partnership with Dany Garcia and RedBird Capital Partners, has purchased the XFL for a frosty $15 mil. Can you smell what The Rock is cooking? Because it’s football. Football is what The Rock is cooking.

Suffice to say anyone who had this one happening can now retire a rich, happy degenerate gambler. The XFL has been sports’ haunted house for nearly two decades. No matter who moves in or how they redecorate, they’re sent running for the station wagon covered in blood in a matter of months. The latest iteration was a borderline hilarious debacle, in which the XFL, like so many other businesses, got wiped out by the coronavirus after just five games. An ugly lawsuit between McMahon and commissioner Oliver Luck ensued shortly after, leaving the Xtreme Football League on the brink of total liquidation before The Big Igneous stepped in.

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As for the prospects of success where his former boss failed (twice and spectacularly), The Rock’s are as good as anyone’s. The man who once called himself “franchise viagra” is currently host of NBC’s ‘The Titan Games’, which has been giving ‘The Bachelor’ ratings swirlies on Monday nights this summer, and should have some extra time and energy on his hands with his usual 1,000-movie-a-year shoot scheduled curtailed due to the coronavirus.

What the XFL actually looks like when it returns (please, PLEASE, PLEASEEEEE be scripted) and when it returns (gotta think Q1 2022) remains to be seen, but that didn’t stop $320-million-dollar-man from celebrating with one his patented pancake fests on Sunday, tequila maple syrup made from his own tequila most definitely included.